


Never again

by malcolm_fucking_tucker



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, Poetry, Self-Harm, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-05 09:36:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3115202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malcolm_fucking_tucker/pseuds/malcolm_fucking_tucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a confrontation with some not very friendly aliens, Doctor finds himself torn apart,as Clara lays badly injured and it's all his fault. Will he be able to help her, and forgive him self for getting her into such a danger? Or will this incident deepen their already on the edge relationship? I guess we will have to wait and see...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One too many

"Why do bad things always come in three?" the Doctor pondered hopelessly as he and Clara ran away from a rather unpleasant bunch of angry Sontarans... First, the TARDIS landing on the wrong planet, (as per usual-the Doctor thought to himself), then malfunctioning, rendering them unable to escape just as they got themselves into a rather heavy confrontation with a Sontaran squad. 

"We come in peace," -the Doctor started -"look,...no guns!" - showing his hands in the air,but the Sontaran leader was adamant. "You and your puny human pet are here to meddle in our glorious business," -he declared- " and you will be destroyed in the name of the Sontaran empire!" He raised his arm to give command, as the Doctor turn to Clara- "Time to go" -said the Doctor as he reached for Clara's hand, and pulled her away. All he wanted was a nice little picnic on a moonlight planet, gazing at the stars and the three moons orbiting them, but no,...life had other plans. They started running, because- "when in doubt-run", the Doctor always said. After a few dozen meters and a couple of close shots, when they thought they had gotten away, and they were just about to reach the safety of the TARDIS, that's when it happened. The third... 

Suddenly, the Doctor heard a terrifying scream from behind. It was Clara...- "No!" -the Doctor gasped - "Clara!?!" the barrel on Clara's left side has been hit by a laser from a very determined Sontaran soldier, and exploded, the blast of it propelling Clara in the air, hitting her hard in the process. It was like a slow motion for the Doctor,as he watched terrified at the unconscious body of his friend land beside him. His eyes flared with both horror and anger. 

"No! Clara?"- there was no response. The Sontaran responsible was revealing a wide smile as he approached hastily towards them, unaware that there was something brewing in the soul of the man standing in front of him, something dark and uncontrollable. He stopped suddenly as his gaze met the man's, and in that moment he knew. He could feel there was no escape from this strange man's fury and revenge. The man's eyes were black, and focused as he looked deeper into him, grazing his eyes over the gun that he was holding.

"To die in battle is a glory for the..." -he thought, as the man reached into his jacket pocket, and pulled a small strange looking metal device. Next thing he knew, he was on his back, gun way out of reach, and the strange man, the girl-pet,and the strange blue box were long gone. 

"Clara,please stay with me, Clara?" -the Doctor pleaded as he carried Clara's unresponsive body through the TARDIS door. "Please,no...not again, I can't"- he panted passing the console. She was slowly slipping away into darkness, he could sense it, into everlasting coldness,and he could not help her. He shivered.- "Mad-bay!- he yelled-"NOW!-The TARDIS complied with buzzing and humming, as she materialized the medical station right in the first room from the stairs. She new Doctor needed her help, now more that ever. 

"Clara, can you hear me?"-Doctor whispered, but there was no response. His hearts almost stopped in that moment. -No, I wont let you,no...don't you dare...-he let his mind plead. He reached the bed in the med-bay, and placed her gently, but hastily on it. .... " Scan her!"-he yelled out, and a greenish-blue light from a weirdly looking machine crossed Clara's body. -Results pending, -the machine stated, -calculating damage...Internal bleeding, massive blast impact damage, four broken ribs-it started. Doctor listened with dread in his eyes, as he placed IV into Clara's forearm. "You'll be fine Clara, it's ok"-he said,mainly for his own sake. -"Just hang on a bit longer..." The machine interrupted him at this point, continuing the scan, declaring a prognosis- 30% chance of s...- but the Doctor switched it of with an angry punch, almost braking it. "Don't you dare"- he repeated, voice shaking fiercely, switching on the monitoring devices. A shy feeble signal came out of it, showing Clara's weakening pulse, but confirming she was still holding on,just. Doctor rushed to the console room, pulling frantically on the levers and pushing swiftly on the buttons. The TARDIS came to life once again, taking off, and carrying them away from the hostile planet. Doctor returned to her bed in matter of seconds, checking on her. She was still breathing, but those were shallow breaths, so weak. "She won't make it"- a terrifying thought crossed his mind..."Shut up!"-he yelled at himself. "Strax! I need Strax" -he breathed out,running again and setting the course for Victorian London where Vastra, Jenny and Strax were.

 

Jenny was just about to pour some tea into the cups for herself and Vastra, when she heard a familiar sound of a TARDIS materializing in the next room. She and Vastra rushed to the door, but there was no one to exit. Nothing. Just as they were getting ready to knock, the door opened and the Doctor appeared, perplexed and in breathing heavily he exclaimed- "Strax!? where is he,i need him now!"-it was more of a request than a question, but a terrified look on the man's face told them not to go there..." Right here,sir."- they heard coming from the kitchen, as Strax appeared with a mop in his hands, slightly confused, but eager.

"How may I be of assistance?" he asked casually... "Clara,she's hurt,please..." Doctor's voice broke off before finishing his sentence, as he turned in the spot and entered the TARDIS once again, determined not to leave Clara's side for a moment more than absolutely necessary.- "I'll just get my equipment,shall I"-

When the Doctor entered the room Clara was in, the look of terror crossed his face, and his body momentarily stiffened and shivered. -There was something wrong...what was that beeping?-

He almost cried out when he realized the beeping was signaling that the patent has stopped breathing. - "No,no,no,no,no-he ran towards the bed-NO!"- he repeated once again frantically looking at Clara's non responsive body. He froze for a moment, not knowing what to do, while Strax entered the room and declared lazily- " Not to worry sir, we shall have him up and running in no time, won't we boy?- he finished by looking at Clara. With a flick of his little red device, he started Clara's heart,and slowly started to stabilize her. " I detect some internal bleeding, all under control now...should get plenty of rest, but will be fine."- he stated casually, still beeping around Clara's body which at this point was starting to gain in color somewhat. When he finished, Strax turned to doctor and informed him he would be leaving now,something about swapping the kitchen, and that he should call if something changes in boy's state,and walked out of the room. TARDIS door closed behind him, leaving Doctor standing there a few meters away from the bed, still unable to move.-" It was too close, he went too far, he should have never let this happen...He was so reckless-the Doctor thought-always putting people in danger, but never again, never again...".


	2. The battle within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor reflects on his inner struggle of emotions, not knowing how to proceed. He lets the battle unravel on its own, whatever the outcome, whatever the cost.

Most of the time, he just stands there observing her as she sleeps, so peacefully. She looks better now, much better, but he still hates himself for what he put her through. He had not slept for days, watching her recovery closely, daring not to give himself a break. She deserved that much, he thought. If he could transfer the pain she was going through onto him, he would. Instead, he charged himself to stay by her side, despite feeling increasingly exhausted. It was his penance. A penance he believed,or a bargain, to keep her safe.

When he looks at her lying there, he cannot keep the memories from flooding back. The memories of the happy days they used to run together, hold hands, and all those little touches he missed so much in this new body. He used to look into her eyes and get mesmerized by them. He could see the turn of the galaxies, the endless night and all the glory of the universe, he could get lost in. Inside them, he could wander for what would seem like days, exploring every light, and every dark corner of her soul. Yet it would have only passed mere seconds, and he would turn away his gaze, pretending it never happened. He does that a lot, pretending...And the touches, oh how he missed them. It is too much to bare, not knowing what it would feel like to touch her skin, the sensation of it, the perfection. Sometimes it would tease him, under the flickering lights of the TARDIS, calling him out-" Go on..."- it would say. He craves her touch, yet dreads it at the same time. All those mixed feelings, making him malfunction...He sometimes accuses Clara of just that, quite hypocritically, he has to admit. But he resists, he must. 

When did loving someone became such a torture? Well.. When you let the pain control you,and doubt creep into your heart like an itch. An itch that never stops, never grows, just stays there, reminding you of the loss, the anger and betrayal...And hope, always hope. The cruelest of them all. She is the one that hurts the most...She gives life, energy, and then with a flick of the finger it's all gone, and you are left shattered, devastated. Never again... 

But then, every once in a while, this new him would dare come closer. He would take the risk and land his hand on hers, letting the emotions overwhelm him. Her strange energy would run through him like a storm, unwinding him slowly, until he tenses again... The closeness of her burns him inside, like a volcano steadily eating away at his patience, burning and yet, warming him at the same time. Does he dare let it break all of his carefully placed defenses, does he dare? Or does he keep pretending everything is fine, that he is fine, even though it kills him inside, slowly and vindictively, as if he deserved it somehow. Why must he suffer so much? The universe must have a reason for torturing him so...He must deserve it. So he lets it happen. All the pain, all the heartache, the loss.Every agonizing night he spends curled in his armchair remembering everything he lost, and everyone he let down...All his fault? Oh it's a cruel world he inhabits- he thinks- as he watches Clara's light breathing,-so cruel sometimes. To offer him release, yet deny him the chance to seize it. He is not ready. Not yet ready to love and lose again. It terrifies him. 

Instead, he keeps himself busy, as to block his brain from overwhelming him. He works, he tires himself mercilessly, as he draws himself into exhaustion. All to prevent the agony of him thinking- "What if"? But his brain wins. And he is left desolate and worn out. Stupid Time Lord consciousness, never flailing, never slowing down. Always listing all the regrets he suffered, giving him floods of new kinds of torment in the process. Every once in a while it would throw in a few pleasurable moments, as if mocking him, not letting him rest. He dreams of her as well. They start of as quite innocent and light-hearted dreams, but soon the tension builds up. Quickly they turn into more and more unimaginable,restless scenarios, and it hurts...It hurts and it feels good at the same time.

He still misses all of it. All those moments he would detect the hint of her scent, by standing just a tad closer that necessary. The soft touches he would steal shamelessly, and that would caress the most desolate parts of his aching hearts, lifting some of the burden of, giving him bliss. One more day, one more touch...But he was different now,and it all felt so complicated for some reason. He could not really put his finger on what it was, but it felt wrong. He could not just let himself blunder in, seeking her attention, her love. He had to deserve it, he thought. He had to deserve that feeling of freedom and pleasure that he had not felt for a long time, such a long time. Why did he choose to hide all of those emotions? That raw need that appeared to keep growing and growing, filling his hearts to the point he could think of nothing else. What was preventing him? Was it fear? He fought so many monsters, battled countless wars, yet somehow, when it came to emotions, he would just shut down. Afraid of what might happen if his feeling were not reciprocated..Or maybe scared that they might be? Because, what then? He was terrified at both outcomes, because he knew both would lead to more pain, so much torment. And he had too much of that already in his life... Play it on the safe side, that's what he used to do...Keep it simple. But this time it was different. He felt this pressure growing inside of him, like his hearts were teased far too many times, they just gave up on their barriers. Decided to go for it. The hell with pain, he could take it. He would. He might. He will...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an attempt to explain the complexity of some of the emotions Doctor was going through. Later on, we will explore Clara's side of it, but for now, I felt I should start with his. Hope I did not go far, but that's how I see it. Enjoy


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara's tale. As she's lying there on the bed, the Doctor sits by her side. Let the games begin...

They were running, just like any other day. But then there was the spinning, and everything went dark. And the pain...A sharp stab in her belly, growing, engulfing her. As she was slipping further into oblivion, she could remember very little.Just hearing her name being shouted repeatedly, firstly in shock and anger, then more as a plea. Then she was floating through air, something gently yet firmly carrying her with ease. She could feel nothing else by that point. No pain, no fear, just those long mysterious limbs embracing her and holding her like a feather, or a flower- so tenderly. Then a sharp pin in her arm, and her blood turning cold, everything turning cold. She could concentrate on that sensation, as to divert herself from the soaring pain in her abdomen, and that growing fear she sensed slithering into her mind.Then the darkness. Nothing but darkness. She felt numb, and weak. She tried opening her eyes, but they were not following instructions. -Damn...That's not good. I'm not in control...- It was agonizing just to ponder on that concept, let alone live through it. Eventually the pain got weaker, and she felt she could again venture a try at opening her eyes.

"Doctor?"- she let out so weakly, barely a whisper. She had no idea what has happened, or where she was. She only knew that he would be there by her side, and she was right. He was standing barely a few feet away, with a sad look in his eyes. 

"I'm here Clara, you're safe."- was all she could hear before she fell once again into another dreamless sleep. He was there, he always was. Every time she got into trouble, he would come to her aid. Granted, most of those times were his fault, but still...He would not let her face it alone. That was one constant in their relationship- she thought, and felt safe again.

__ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____

She could feel life coming back to her body, and her mind taking control once again. Pain and fear slowly being pushed to side. She did not fear death, she had so much dealing with its claws in the past. She feared loosing him. But most of all, she dreaded what her death would do to him. She would not forgive herself that. She had to hold on, for him...Her Doctor. Her impossible man.  
She grew to love this strange man over their countless adventures, she could not help it. It was like a million miles an hour train stomping through her, and she did manage to slow it down a bit, but not for long. So she let it crash straight into her heart, filling her with warmth, fire and sadness. Because he was different now, so distant. Somehow unapproachable. She didn't know why he chose to act like that, even though she felt more and more affectionate towards him. Always dropping him hints, little smiles, suggestive glances, to let him know it was safe to come closer. But to no avail. He would ignore them, reject them even. Growing more reserved every time she would dare coming close to him. Shutting down, moving away, flinching. He was a mess, and she wanted to help. But how? How can she show him, that him changing face had no impact on the amount of love she felt for him. That it may have even increased it a bit. He looked more mature now, seasoned. She adored the whimsical bow-tied flirty him, but this one had something special inside. Not quite sure why, but while she wanted to cuddle with his previous self, she wanted much more with this older, silvery version. And him ignoring her hints did not help reduce that need. No, not at all...But how does she even try? He might get scared, and reject her completely. That was unacceptable. She needed a plan. A way of showing him just how much she needed him, and that whatever he did, it would never waver her sentiment towards him.

As she lay there, she opened her eyes fully, only to see him in the chair next to her. His right hand oh his forehead. Dozed of probably, or maybe thinking...Watching him in that chair reminded her of just how protective he was of her. He would not lose her again- she decided. Not if she had any say in the matter. He looked so peaceful, yet his tension was almost palpable in the air. His long fingers covering his eyes, and other arm sprawled over the armrest, grasping the edge tightly. So close, yet...She shivered a bit. His breathing was slow, as though he was absorbing his surroundings, mapping it, feeling it. Could he hear her now increasing heart pace, and shallow breaths? Maybe. But once again, he chose not to react. Being impossible again- she thought.

All those times she craved his touch, his closeness. He would give out a slightly terrified look, and that would be the end of that. But this time she would go for it, she decided. She raised her arm slowly, and lowered it over his, almost grazing it. The motion was draining every ounce of the energy she collected by that point, but she was not giving up. She had to feel him, comfort him. He deserved that much. That man. In constant worry, always struggling, fighting for the good cause. He deserved it. He was a hero, even if he did deny it.

Her hand finally met his, and she felt him relax a bit. "He was letting her touch him"- she could barely believe it. He was not fighting it... She shot a glance at his face, still covered by his other palm, eyes tightly closed. The expression on his face was however revealing something of an internal battle. But then, she saw a small smirk sneaking oh his lips. "What was that all about?"-she thought. His thumb drew her out of this confusing monologue, and she almost stopped breathing, as it slowly circled her fingers, caressing them. She shivered again. And then he was looking at her, piercing into her eyes. There he was. Those blue wonders searing deep into her, breaking her defenses mercilessly, crumbling her. The power of that man's gaze, the storm raging beneath those big sad eyes. And with that, the pain was gone, as swiped away by the intensity of his stare. That was always her greatest weakness. If he only knew, the influence he had over her...

"Hello there, sleepy-head". - he said in a low, growl-y voice, his fingers still grazing hers, moving agonizingly slow. A smile escaped her. She took this chance to examine him more closely now. He looked worn out, every line in his face prominent. Yet, still beautiful. Once again, she felt dozing of, exhaustion taking over her. But she felt safe now, safe and happy. And then, the impossible happened. A small pressure on her forehead, lingering...His lips leaving a tender kiss. She would dream of that kiss, the warmth of his breath against her skin, she was sure...


	4. Too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor and Clara have a confrontation...

A couple more days, and Clara was feeling well enough to walk around, still in pain and bruised, but cheerful. She just finished her breakfast in bed, that was conveniently waiting for her when she woke up, and headed towards the control room. There he was. The Doctor, still refusing to allow himself to rest, was busy over the console, fiddling with some dials. 

"Morning"- she declared, stopping on the top of the stairs,looking down at him with anticipation. The Doctor raised his head to throw an absent look at her, revealing a sad,tired expression. 

"Good morning, Clara"- he said, his voice trembling slightly. She dared herself to inch closer, and walked down towards him. 

" So...What have you been up to?"- she added, while looking at some dials on the board, brushing them playfully. She knew full well that the Doctor blamed himself for what happened to her, but was unwilling to remind him while he was clearly in a bad state. 

"Oh...You know,things...Just the usual stuff..." -he replied turning his gaze back to the board he was supposedly working on. "How did you sleep? Did you eat at all?" -he added, not really caring for the answer, but felt needed to fill the awkward silence. 

"Yeah"- she said- "thanks by the way...Breakfast in bed, I'm a very lucky girl..." A smile forming on Clara's face vanished momentarily when she saw a fearful look on the Doctor's. "Look, Doctor...-she continued after another awkward silence.- It's not your fault." He did not move. His eyes still on the board, both his hands on the edges of it, grasping it with a bit more power than necessary. "You know that,right?"...Still nothing. Clara walked a bit closer to his side, him tensing immediately at that notion. 

Clara proceeded carefully- " You once asked me if I felt safe travelling with you. And told me anything could happen..."- she was right by his side now- " Do you remember what I answered?"... A small smirk was beginning to form on the edge of his mouth, but then he spoke.

"You have no idea Clara, no clue what would happen if I lost you again, none..."- his voice crashed. He inhaled deeply, and continued weakly-"I would, I don't..." but his voice died out again,and his head dropped down. His fists started clutching the console tighter and tighter, turning his fingers white. Feeling she should try calm him down, Clara gently placed her hand on his forearm. The Doctor's grip loosened a bit.

She started- "That will never happen...Doctor please, just...Look at me"... The Doctor slowly turned his blank stare into her eyes, revealing his tormented soul in the process. "I trust you," -she continued- "and I know you will never let me down." He made a shy attempt at a smile and failed. And then froze, as he felt her hand going up his arm, stoking it gently. The moment did not last long, for the Doctor almost immediately moved sideways, out of Clara's reach.

"Clara, please" -he whispered- " I can't..."- his inner battle starting all over again. He moved a few steps away form her, now looking towards the TARDIS doors,as if contemplating his escape. Clara felt anxious as those word rolled through her consciousness. 

"That's the thing, isn't it?"-she said with a bit of suppressed anger in her voice. "You used to care about me so much, and now..."- but he interrupted her,almost yelling- " How can you even think that? I don't care about you?!?"- Doctor was furious- "You have no idea how much you mean to me, you..." He took a deep breath trying to compose himself, as he felt he was loosing control over his temper. 

But Clara was adamant- " But you don't even want to be near me anymore, like I repulse you...Disgust you even? Tell me that's not true, show me wrong!"- she was yelling now too. "You don't even want to hug me anymore, nothing! Like, when you changed, the man that loved me died, and got replaced by an emotion-fearing gray stick insect!"- she ended her little speech. She was breathing heavily now, visibly upset.

"Are you finished?" - Doctor was still trying to collect his thought, looking for the right words. He continued after a brief pause- "I did not want to touch you, because I felt I would lose control"- he was punctuating every word as he spoke. He turned his deep blue eyes into hers, moving slowly towards her. "You think you repulse me," - he said with a hint of disbelief- " but the fact is that I missed it so much, it was burning my soul every single time you went near me. So close, but so unreachable..." his voice toned down. "How could I even try to explain how I feel, I am just an old fool Clara...an old fool. But I need you, more than ever, I..."- he was looking at his feet now, totally exhausted. His eyes were full of tears, but he was determined not to show it.

Clara dared closer, until she was just a few feet from his body. Feeling the warmth that surrounded him, his fear that he held on for so long... "How could YOU think that I would feel about you any differently than I used to? "- she whispered carefully, fearing his answer. Doctor sighed, turning his back to her,as if giving up. "Do you think that I would care about you more"- she continued with a bit more determination this time- " if you were what? A dashing, silly young man with a bow tie? Always cheerful,and full of energy...". Her voice was soft now- " You forget that I know you, Doctor...I've seen you at your best, and your worst"-her voice dropping lower..."and I do not care if you are a boy, or an old grumpy fool, you will always be MY Doctor, and I will always care for you..." 

She was quite close to him now, trembling with anticipation. She has never felt so happy yet frightened at the same time. Happy she could be this close to the man she adored.Her Doctor. And petrified he might reject her again. The thought of it ran through her mind, leaving dread in its wake. But she dismissed it with a shake of her head, and let her arm reach for the Doctor's turned back. "Please, just see me..."- she said finally. The feel of his back was electrifying. As if current was running through him, with no means of escape. He turned around slowly, and Clara could now see the extent of damage the whole ordeal has had on him. He was a mess. His eyes were old, so much older than before, his face tired. He needed rest- she concluded. " There you are"-she said softly, gazing into his eyes with a faint, but sincere smile. He let out a vague sigh, some of the tension leaving his body.

That'a a start-Clara thought. "Right, come on"- she said grasping his palm, -"you need to rest."- leading him up the corridor towards his bedroom. He did not complain, he was far to tired to even try. 

Doctor followed her without a word, but looking at her all the while,as if checking she was truly alright, if she has healed. He noticed a slight twitch in her walk. She was still in a little bit of pain. The guilt hit his hearts again, and he inhaled deeply...They reached his bedroom door, Cara still holding on to his hand. 

She opened it and led them inside,than lingered for a moment, taking it in. She has never been inside before. It was rather dark, darker than the rest of the TARDIS. The center of it was occupied with a fairly large bed with dark grey sheets, and two fluffy pillows. Doctor did not spend much time in here, but clearly wanted to be comfortable when he did- Clara thought. Bookshelves surrounding all the walls, except for a small corner, that revealed a wooden old looking door. A desk on the left and a wooden chair. Simple-Clara thought, yet so him. 

Clara turned towards the Doctor now, and without a word started unbuttoning his coat. Pushing it slowly of his back and onto the chair. He just stood there, watching her every move. -God, she looked so good standing there in his room. TARDIS lights playing on her face, revealing a smile he missed for so long...

"So are you gonna just stand there, or are you getting to bed?"- Clara asked suddenly and broke his thoughts. Doctor realized he was standing there looking rather confused...He was so tired, but had every right to be-he thought to himself. "Oh,right" -he let out, discarding his shoes to the side of the bed,and climbed onto one side, not bothering to go beneath the covers. His eyes almost closing, he looked up. Clara was still standing there beside him, still beautiful, still fragile, still... Wait-she had crossed her arms and put on a confused yet slightly annoyed look on her face...

"What?"- Doctor said in half tone..."Are you going to sleep in your clothes?" she asked with a slight grin...-Well that's better than being angry, Doctor concluded. 

"Yes, yes I am...as long as you intend to just stand there." Doctor remarked, raising his palms to rub his red, swollen eyes. 

"Well, that's not fair now, is it?- Clara stated, looking oh her attire, reminding him she was in her nightie. He did not answer, still holding his palms over his face,as if wishing she would just leave him be. He was so worn out, and she was so alluring...He had no strength to fight it... "You should leave then." -he finally said, with a hint of plea, and a dash of threat in his growling voice...

"Well, maybe I will." she answered, not moving an inch. Still looking at him intensely. "But I was thinking..."-she continued playfully- "I need some rest too..." she stopped, as she felt his stare on her. It was a mix of annoyance, confusion, disbelief, and something else...Was it passion?-she bounced her thought off, and casually moved to the other side of the bed. Not looking at him, she slid herself under the sheets, and lied down next to him...


	5. No regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry posting took so long, been rather busy :( Its a longer chapter as well, could not add to the torture by splitting it. Enjoy :)

"No monsters or kings when the ritual begins,  
there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin,  
in the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene,  
only then I am human,  
only then I am clean..."

Take me to church by Hozier 

She is getting into the bed-he realized.The mix of emotions flooded his system: surprise, confusion, anger, denial, and something new...what was it? He felt a sharp stab in his stomach, as he watched her snuggle beside him, throwing away the covers as if she was too hot. No,- he dismissed it- No that can't be. He just realized what the feeling was. It was lust, and he was having none of it. He was just going to lie there and sleep, he decided.No giving in, not now, not ever. Emotions are stupid human things, no need to give into them.Yes, that's it...He felt the pain again, like a reminder...But he was so tired. It was difficult keeping his inhibitions while he was fully operational and rested...-he contemplated. No! Shut Up! This is not happening- he closed his eyes...

As they are lying there, side by side, Clara couldn't help but notice Doctor's breathing deliberately slowing down, almost dying out. She suddenly realized that he's trying to block out his surroundings, closing himself to stimuli, and any potential challenging senses.Oh that's clever... Clever alien- she lets out a smile that ends up being a bit on the devilish side, but she doesn't mind. She waited for so long, and if he is not going to move first, she most certainly will. She wriggles closer to his body, until she can feel their bodies touch. Silence. He has now entirely ceased breathing. He is really impossible!- Clara giggles. She turns on her side, so that she can look at him from above, placing her elbow under her head. His eyes are shut, as if he just wants to be left alone,or does he? His hand twitches, and his eyebrows frown suddenly as she places her head onto his chest. Oh, he feels good,and so soft against her, almost electric-she realizes." He's been holding back from me"- a positively dreadful thought escapes her, and she smirks nonchalantly, now drawing her entire body against his. 

Still no movement by his side though. He did begin breathing a few moment back, but not liking the result. Her scent burns his nostrils, igniting a wildfire inside. A fire he cannot even start to control, let alone extinguish now that she is so close. Why are emotions so hard to control? Why is his body turning against him? He tries to slow down his now clearly rapid hearts beats. Maybe if he just lets it consume him, maybe if..."No!"- he yells inside. That can't ever happen, and he knows it. He is fighting himself again, and loosing miserably...His impulses have always been his strongest side, and fighting them seemed rather illogical, especially when knowing the outcome beforehand. But he still had to try. For the sake of decency, and his ever shrinking morality. He has to put up a fight, give his best, as to avoid the shame and guilt that would most certainly follow. So he fights. A lost cause with a potentially catastrophic outcome, and he likes it. There is no sweeter reward, than the one you bleed for. And he has bled for so long...She is still spread out on his chest, her arms holding him tight. Her touch no longer feels like a torture. It's more like a silky fire, spreading and warming his soul. Lighting the most inaccessible parts of his being. Bringing him to life. He has missed this so much,and she did too. That much was obvious. But how far would she go? That was the question that occupied his struggling mind now. Because he knew. If he breaks now, he wont be able to stop. He has to be sure first. He has to be sure...

She lies on his chest, listening to his hearts beating. It's like music of sorts, the stumping inside of him. It calms her down. It goes rapidly, then slows down for a second or two, then races wildly again. Like a beautiful harmony she loses herself in. She listens, absorbing each millisecond he has allowed her to be this near. She cherishes it, because she knows he might end it abruptly, as he did countless times before. She is prepared for that, although wishing that would not happen this time. She longs for him in ways that would probably be indecent to ponder upon, but she cares not. Human beings are born with all this powerful emotions, and it's not our fault if they overwhelm us now and then. It's just so hard fighting them sometimes. Like now, as she lies on his chest. His sweet scent all over, engulfing her, burning a spark inside her. A funny feeling she never thought he could elicit from her. But there it is, it happened, and she would not have it any other way. She lingers a few more minutes, and realizes that the Doctor has no intention on stopping her. So she imagines more...

"Why did she have to be so alluring, and why did he feel so guilty?"- he started pondering when a soft voice broke his chain of though. 

"What are you thinking about?"- she raised her head slightly, watching him intently now.

"I was thinking that you may have made a slight error of judgement just now, and that I need to inform you that I will not be responsible for what happens next..."- his slow, growl-y voice resonating between them.

"Why?...what happens next?"- she utters fearfully.

"This"- he says, as his lips touch hers. Ever so softly, as if she was the most delicate thing in the universe, and right now in his eyes, she was. He wanted her for so long, and so much it ripped him apart. But the need to protect, to keep her from harm always came first. He broke the kiss with a soft warm blow to her lips. 

"See? I warned you I would not be responsible"- he was staring at her, as she slowly opened her eyes, dazed and surprised. He could see it in her face- the surprise, wonder, happiness, fear and lust, all in the same expression. How does she do that? His impossible girl, doing impossible things, just as he liked it. Don't ever change-he once told her...And he meant it.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ****

"He kissed her..."- her confusion was overwhelming. " It actually happened"-she found it hard to believe that the "not-into-hugging" alien has finally decided to give in to feelings. His lips were so smooth against hers, so tender she almost thought they weren't real...It was so long since she felt a touch like that, so long... She saw him trying to move away slowly, but she was not having it.Not now, not when he was irrevocably opening up to her. She won't let him do that, for both their sake. 

She reached with her hand, leisurely brushing fingers through his curly hair, then lowering down over his eyebrows. His eyes were closed now, in anticipation of her next move. His breathing slightly deepens, as she brushes his cheek and rests her finger on his lower lip. He is letting her take control, she realized. She plants her lips onto his, a bit more passionately this time. He remains still, opening his mouth in response. She deepens the kiss, and a moan escapes Doctor's mouth. This was it, no more games.

*** *** *** **** **** **** **** *** ***** **** **** **** ****

He could barely contain himself from jumping on her, when he felt her growing passionate kiss, but he held back. He had to control himself.She was still in pain, and he is strong, so strong...He feared what he might do, if his desire and lust took over. After all, he was not a patient man anymore. His cruelty sometimes took over with shattering results. He would not let that happen again, not to her.But her lips felt so sweet it drove him mad, again and again. In one swift move he grabs and places her on her back. She's is making it too easy for him to fall so hard. He towers over her, opening her legs with his knees, slowly.

"Is this what you want? Me to succumb to silly human urges? "- his eyes are judgmental, yet pleading. As if saying to her-"Please say yes, just say yes..." She does not answer, but places her hand under his sweater, sending shivers through his body. He averts his gaze, he's loosing it. His breathing is course now, sucking air with unquenchable thirst. He is tasting her. It's a little Time Lord trick he picked up a while back,allowing him to connect to someone without the actual physical contact. He remains like this for a few moments, not knowing what to do next. 

He looks into her eyes for answers. He needs to be sure...Bending down, he lets their foreheads touch. The connection opened, he can see clearly that she wants him, as much as he needs her. Everything fits together when he enters her mind. Because Doctor IS everything. He is present, past and future all intertwined like branches of vine, twisting and twirling into the sky, into infinity. That is how she feels when they touch- infinite, important. She feels loved beyond any earthly laws of affection, because Doctor is capable of more, so much more. She can never stop yearning for him, his touch,his gift. She needs not travel anywhere to see wonders, cause the wanders are right here. All their emotions bare, uncontrollable.

"Game time Clara"- he adds, his passion burning now, blackening his eyes. She smiles and places another kiss on his neck, biting him playfully. He is falling without hope, as she begins their little dance of passion. He feels no grief, no pain, no anger he's been repressing for so long. Not now, not with her. He feels free, totally liberated form the chains that enslave his hearts. And he embraces it like tomorrow never comes. Because she is his, and he is hers. He needs no further invitation. He lifts her nightdress up, exposing her. He takes in the sight, he wants it to last forever. 

His hand is all over her now, caressing, stroking every inch of her body, while his mouth explore hers with deep urge. He is memorizing everything. Her collarbone,her breasts (he slightly lingers there), her stomach (she slightly shivers at that), finally moving onto her sensitive area, but never breaking the kiss. She is already desperately arching against him, needing more, wanting everything he has to offer. She reaches for his belt, but he stops her. "Patience Clara, you're not ready yet.." he mutters. 

"What do you mean by-" she mumbles, but her voice soon breaks as he finds her black laced undergarments and starts playing with them.

He could feel her warmth inside, driving him mad. Not yet, not ready...He slides two fingers inside, and draws her pants down and throws is casually aside. He is slow, painfully slow. He suddenly stops as if letting her know that this is the point of no return, but she could still say no.He would conform, he always does. She just smiles at him, giving in completely.

He runs his finger across her core, lingering, and she lets out a sigh. She needs him, and he is teasing her. That was so unfair-she frowns -But let's play your game then... Catching his lack of attention, she reaches for the bulge in his pants. He gasps. His eyes widened, studying her intensely. He does not stop her, but watches her closely as she undoes his fly, and pulls his pants down, revealing his arousal. "Enough"-she gasps- "I need you, now."-her face determined. Doctor obliges, positioning himself at her opening. He circles it before sliding the tip inside, watching her, still not sure if she was ready for him fully. Her head falls back at the sensation, and after the initial shock has passed, she realizes he has stopped. She returns her gaze onto him, barely stopping herself form reaching for him and forcing him inside. "All of you" he says shortly curling her fingers in his hair, tugging hard. And he pushes in.

Everything was happening so slowly, and she still had problems believing all of this was not a dream. Doctor moved with complete control against her, hitting her soft spot with every thrust. With each he brought new heights of pleasure, building her up,stretching her limits. It was almost painful to withstand. He was gentle, but she could sense the urge inside him, the lust, the growing need. She let out a loud moan, grabbing his back with more force, urging him to go faster.He does, breathing more erratically now. She needed release, and God knows so did he.Their breathing shallows as they both gasp and moan in tandem, mouthing all sorts of brutal things to each other. His tenderness lost, the Doctor's movements are more vigorous and feral now, as he thrusts inside her over and over. He holds her shoulders so he could get deeper, his face inside her neck making incomprehensible sounds, cursing for each time she slapped him, each time she yelled at him. And all she can feel is pleasure, joy and happiness. No pain, not ever. Not now he was hers. They finish together, with each others name on their lips- her burying fingers in his arched back, convulsing under him; him trying to muffle his scream in her neck and failing miserably, as he pulsed inside her. They remained like that for a while, neither wanting to let go of each other. 

"No regrets"- the Doctor thought, as he watched Clara sleep soundly beside him, smile wide on her face. He realized things will never be the same again, and that is just the way he wants it to be. Closing his eyes, he lets his thought die out, finally allowing to be taken by exhaustion.


	6. Never give up, never give in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, I need to put up a warning. There will be scenes of torture in the second part of this chapter. Nothing to graphic, but still, i felt I should give you heads up. Also it's quite a long read, so prepare yourselves ;) Anyway, sorry for taking this long, had no time, exams and stuff. Also life and such...But next few chapters are written, so it will go faster from now on. Anyway, hope you like it. :)

\----------Like strings on a violin vibrating in the rhythm of the bow, eliciting unearthly harmonies, sending him to the skies, to blissful eternal peace...-------

The Doctor is sitting in his bed, a pillow tucked behind his back, watching Clara's chest steadily rise and drop. As his eyes wonder over her curled body, he takes a moment to imagine if all of this could last, if he could be happy for a while. Maybe he can. Who's to say? One thing is for sure, he is done pretending. He does not mind all of that hard work he put into building defenses, because if he cannot be himself with her, who can he be himself with? After all, she saved him countless times. And she knows him, really knows him. And he wants to know her, all of her...Her dreams, wishes, her most intimate desires. He can make them all come true...And her fears. He wants to know everything, he needs to, so he can protect her, save her.  
Clara, Clara, Clara...-he smiles as he opens his notebook, an old looking thing full of scribbles, notes in Gallifreyan, sketches he does when he's alone. He often draws her, from memory mostly. That smile of hers, that little hole she makes in her cheeks when she smiles. That swirl of hair falling down unevenly when she swings her head around. It fulfills him, knowing he can make her smile like that. It has been his reward for quite a long time, before... Now, he dares for more. He looks at her taking her in, as he lets his pencil fly across the page, mapping her. Magic follows his gentle moves, as her figure comes to life in front of his eyes, and he keeps on drawing. The soft curves of her curled body next to him, a strand of hair that rests on her eyes, her little hand beneath her face, he takes it all in. It has a far greater meaning for him. His inspiration runs wild, and he does not stop when she slightly shifts on her pillow, exposing her back. He ads shades to her curvature, and pulls away to admire his work. He will not show her his work, that would be too embarrassing. No, this is just for him. It's his way of dealing with the cruelty of the universe, and he needs it to be private. Everything else, he will gladly give...  
\-----------------------------------------------  
Clara is dreaming of their slay-ride again. She dreams quite a lot about that night. It was the night she decided to finally let go of pretending, and come clean with the Doctor. He ignored her, as per usual, but it was still important time for her. Those glances they exchanged, they made havoc in her brain. And now that they both came clean, she could not be happier. It took a bit of persuading, but they both admitted the truth and it felt good, liberating. She could finally be herself around him. No more hiding, no more lies. No more dreams, this was reality they both been waiting for.

A soft melody found its way into her fading dream, drawing her gently back to reality. Opening her eyes, still dazed, she looked around for the Doctor, but he had already gotten out of the bed. He probably got bored from watching her sleep, seeing that he needs but few hours every now and then to fully rest-she thought. But where was that music coming from? Was it the TARDIS? No, it sounded too real, too near, like it was coming from that wooden door in the corner of the room. She did notice those doors last night when they entered Doctor's bedroom. The frame of it was carved in strange symbols, all converging to the keyhole. And now, they were cracked open.

Clara slid from under the sheets, and walked towards the music. It was a serious tune, but with a hint of adventure- she noticed. She pushed the door open, and gazed inside. The room seemed small,and curiously dark. There was no light in it, and she tried to find the switch, but to no avail. As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, she began recognizing shapes around her. She took a small step closer to the music. She could now see a tall, lean figure sitting in front of the piano, fingers dancing on the keys, creating such magical harmony. Clara moved closer until she was almost beside him, not daring to interrupt. He gave her a smirk, averting his look from the keyboard, but still playing. Then, he motioned her to sit on the chair beside him. Clara stumbled a bit, still adjusting to the dark, but managed to sit on the place he had left for her. He was smiling now, his music going faster, energy bouncing of his body. She just sat there, fascinated on the way his fingers made wonders with seemingly no effort, as he reached a crescendo, finishing with a bang. Doctor let his arms fall to his knees, tilting his head to look at Clara.

"Why do you sit in the dark, Doctor?"- she said softly.

"I did not want to wake you, obviously...- he responded quickly, a bit too quickly. She could sense he was hiding something.

"No but, you seem to like it now. Your TARDIS is a lot darker than it used to be,why is that?- she was genuinely in wonder as she spoke.

"Why are you asking me this?- he said raising his eyebrow questionably. 

"No reason, I just...I don't know"- Clara said finally, dropping her eyes to her feet that were dangling comically for the chair. 

"I always found solace in the dark- he started knowing his silence would just confuse her further- One would not be able to see the stars without the dark..."- he finished lowering his voice, almost apologetically. Oh yes, the deep and lovely dark, he often retreated to its comforts, to think, to mend.

"That is very wise Doctor, very deep. One might say even rehearsed"- she added with a significant look. "But never mind that, where did you learn to play?"

" Gallifrey"- he responded simply, a shadow glooming over him as the spoke. 

"Well, you are amazing...Had to be said"- she giggles. She was getting used to this flirting with the Doctor, it felt natural, and he have her a thankful glance.

"Did you sleep ok?"- she continued quickly as to get away from the touchy subject of his lost home. 

He just nodded. Gallifrey was lost. It was one of his biggest failings. Of course he blamed himself, but if he were able to just find it, just one time...He did not tell Clara how much it hurt him. She did not need to know the weakness it exposed in him, knowing he might never find it again. It left him in peaces the last time he tried to locate it, and he did not intend to put himself through that again. Not without a solid lead. Believing Missy was a stupid, childish mistake. But he honestly thought he could get his friend back, just this once. He thought he deserved that much. But no. It was hope playing with his hearts again, and the universe, cruelly unforgiving as always, delivered the final blow, cutting him deep. Scaring his already crumpled hearts. He let rage take control of him in all its power, while he sought release on the console that night, re positioning his pain. He felt sorry later. TARDIS did not deserve that from him. She has been by his side forever. But he needed release at any cost. She was angry with him after that, and rightly so. And he pittied her. After all, she was the one putting up with his tantrums all those years. Always there, always what he needed. His TARDIS. He was lost for days after that whole ordeal, just wandering through the vortex, not really wanting to go anywhere. Then came the Santa's little mischief, and he found Clara again. Things were looking up, he had to admit.

"So, anyway...I was thinking maybe breakfast?" - Clara was treading carefully, not knowing the state Doctor was in, and not daring to pry after that awkward pause they just shared. 

"Breakfast?'- he responded after a few moments, as if woken from a dream.

"You do eat, I've seen you..."

"Well naturally...Sometimes, yes...I...- he was struggling now. Clara just decided to watch him battle through it. It was always fun when he would lose his footing, stumbling. The big bad Time Lord, lost for words. It was kinda satisfying for Clara, as he would always turn to her for help.

"The lost moon of Posh!"- he almost yelled, hastily getting out of the chair. -"Well it's not lost anymore. Oh they make the best apple cream cheese bundt cake in the galaxy!"- he added with a wink, walking backwards through the room, towards the door, still watching Clara. His hands were flying in all directions. "Oh and the tea they make there, you'll love it. With just a dash of whiskey"-he motioned with his fingers, a wide smile now evident as he waited for Clara's reaction.

"It's settled then"- Clara stood up enthusiastically. -"Not sure about the whiskey, but I'm always open to new things"- she adds slowly, looking at him significantly. And like that, he offers her a hand, and she takes it gladly. Yes it is all alright with the world- she thought as they rushed towards new adventures. May they never end.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No!" - The Doctor kept repeating to his captors.- "There is nothing you can possibly do, that would make me tell you where it is..." He was sitting on the floor of a rather large cell, stone wall behind him, arms shackled above his head. His shirt and coat disheveled, face riddled with pain. But he was not giving in. Not for anything.  
In retrospect, Doctor did realize they might have been attracting too much attention to themselves, laughing and chatting loudly in that crowded coffee shop. One whiskey-tea after another, conversation just flew, as they loudly recollected their adventures. They were high on happiness, and they would not have it any other way. They were so caught up in their storytelling, they had not realized that their fourth cup cup of tea was laced with something a bit more that just whiskey. It did taste strange, come to think of it...

"Tell us where it is, and we'll let you go"- said one of his captors casually, approaching him slowly.

" Please, do not insult my intelligence with cliches"- Doctor replied, holding back a chuckle. It was painful to laugh, but he would not let it show. He shifted his arms a bit, chains rattling, letting out a small sigh of relief when his shoulder fell back into place. He was already in great pain, and they had just started...

"You do realize we have all the time in the world,"- the man said not even looking at the Doctor, but rather admiring a strange metal object in his hand-"and we have ways of making you talk..."  
There were just the two of them at the moment, but Doctor could sense another one in the corner, obscured from view by darkness, just observing. 

"Again, do I have to repeat everything to you pudding-brains..."- he said rather bored-"the answer is NO. So, get on with it"- he finished, taking a bit breath. He then glanced towards the dark figure in the corner.

"Or...You already know that,"- he was talking to the shadow now-"in which case you are trying to figure out what to do next." He was confident now. "Let me tell you what's going to happen. You will release me, and my friend, "- he said slowly-"and we shall part in peace. No harm will come to you, I promise." His voice was deep now, determined. The figure shifted slightly, and then...

"Oh, but I do not think so, my dear..." The realization dawned on Doctor's face, his mouth opening in shock.

"You."- was all he could manage to say.

"It's more fun this way..."- the figure stepped into the light. "Remember the fun we used to have?"- her smile was devilish, almost painful to watch.

"Doctor, Doctor, Doctor..." Missy was approaching him slowly, swirling her dress,smile on her face evident. "Always playing games. But this time, I make the rules. And they might seem a bit unfair at the moment, "- she glanced over his body, from toes to his hands dangling in chains over his head , " but you have to admit you had it coming..." She said tilting her head to gaze into Doctor's eyes. 

"I mean, how many times have you tried to kill be by now? Never mind that, it was rhetorical"- she quickly added, kneeling down, placing her arms on his spread legs. She was watching him intently now.

"Now now...Don't be shy my love..."- she added as he shifted nervously, trying to get out of her reach, failing. 

"You know I would never harm you...Well not any long term damage anyway"- she made a grimace, puffing her lips.

"Just tell me where it is, and you can return to your little pet in no time"- her voice got higher at the end, still watching him.

His expression was cold. Breathing deeply, he slowly lifted his gaze from her arms to her face. His blue eyes glowing with anger. It was her special power, making him feel such maddening anger. If he was not in shackles...His eyes met hers, and he just whispered:

"No." He then lifted his head and rested it on the wall behind him, no longer looking at her.

"Fine"- she said suddenly- " I'm ever so fond of games." She stood up and motioned something to the guard. The door of the cell opened slowly, and in came Clara,pushed by a rather large looking man. She was not in chains, but her hair was in shambles, clothes all messy. It was evident she was not having a good time. Her expression was brave, stoic even, but fear began to bleed through and then sheer horror became evident, when she saw the Doctor.

"Clara!" - he yelled.-" Its going to be fine."- he tried to reassure her. She just nodded blankly, not moving her eyes from the Doctor's pain ridden body. 

"Now, now Doctor, what kind of promise is that?"- Missy was playing now, walking towards Clara. 

"Do not touch her! Don't you dare harm her"- his voice was threatening, revealing a whirl of storm that would be released if anything happened to Clara. His eyes completely black now, his whole body tense, shaking. Shackles stretched to breaking point.

"Oh, there we go again..."- Missy sounded bored now... " Do not make treats you can't deliver, rule one."- she winked at him playfully.

"You don't need her, "- Doctor was pleading now-"she knows nothing. You have me, just...leave-her- alone"- he was punctuating each word, his patience expired.

"So you haven't told your pet where you hid it? Should've seen that coming...Well, never mind, she might still be useful...Isn't that right my dear?"- she reached to stroke Clara's chin. "You humans, you're ever so useful...."  
"Tie her down, she might as well watch."- Missy casually motioned with her hand, walking towards the Doctor now. With Clara on the floor opposite Doctor, she approached him. 

"This is an old recipe, you might recognize it"- she retrieved a small vile from her jacket pocket, and a syringe. "And I always was old-fashioned"- she added filling the syringe with greenish liquid. "I do prefer emotional maiming, but you know, it does get boring after a while."- she glanced toward Clara significantly.

Now my dear, stand still. I would say this won't hurt, but I'd be lying." she finished with a smile while reaching for the Doctor's neck, placing a needle into it and pushing slowly.

"No,wait!"- Clara yelled, but it was already too late. Missy retreated away from the Doctor, empty syringe in her hand.

"What was that?What did you give him?!"- Clara was yelling, tears evident in her eyes. 

" Shush my dear, patience now. You humans, so many questions."- she was focusing on the Doctor now, waiting.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-

Doctor was breathing slowly, eyes closed. He knew what she had given him, and he decided to fight it. He could feel the chemicals spreading through his body, slowly conquering him. It was an old solution derived from a special plant from back home. The plant was semi-carnivorous and a rather wile looking thing, that produced a toxin with greenish fluorescence. Time Lords sometimes used it in interrogations. He never experienced it before, but knew that refusal to submit to its powers triggered excruciating pain.

He was starting to feel the substance reaching his neural synapses, exploring, spreading. His hand twitched. Damn him, if he ever gives in. He would never forgive himself if she got her hands on it.

The pain was gradually increasing, and the Doctor shut his eyes tighter, clenching his jaw. His body started shivering, then convulsing. He threw his head back onto the wall, now struggling to keep quiet, as the pain threw havoc on his body and mind. Just a few more minutes, until his body could decompose the toxin, he kept repeating to himself. But he was loosing, the pain too strong.

"Please, just STOP!"- he could hear a voice somewhere in the distance. Clara, his Clara...She was watching, she was scared.-he thought as the pain finally took over completely, burning him. His head dropped forwards with a sigh. His body stopped convulsing, as he sat there unconscious. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Glimpses of light, noise, rattling, then pain in his legs. Then a pressure on his lower back, someone shifting him, guiding him somewhere...A voice bleeding through. He could not operate his body, so he just let them do whatever, it was less painful that way. More jerking, and urging, voice was muffled now. Moments flew by...Then, something soft on his face, worm even, as he was pushed into a lying position.The pain was subsiding now, but it left him exhausted. Not willing to speak or even open his eyes, he just lay there, giving in. Then something mildly worm and moist on his face, sending shivers through him. A jab into the neck again... "No"- he whispered barely, trying to lift his hand to stop them. "Not again, please..." but to no avail. He tried to prepare for another course of pain, but it never came. He felt the strange substance rush through his body, just like the toxin did, but this time it was not eliciting pain, but lifting it. He took a deep breath, wanting to open his eyes, but not daring. Maybe it's just a trick-he thought. Maybe it's just another way to make him talk. Maybe...

"Doctor?"- he heard a whisper, a soft voice. "Please Doctor, just wake up..."- pleading voice was so close now. He opened his eyes slowly...

"Clara?"....


	7. Temptations

-“What?....How?” They were in her apartment. Doctor spread on the bed, Clara beside him sitting on the edge of it.

\- “Shh…just be-still Doctor”- she was applying a cold piece of cloth to his forehead. It felt warmish but never mind.

-“But when...?”- he started but Clara pressed two fingers to his mouth. He just looked at them confused. 

-“You have questions, and I have answers. But first you will rest, ok?” It sounded more like a command than a request. Doctor just nodded back. Clara continued to brush his face, now smiling weakly. 

-“Clara?” -he said carefully.

-“Yes, Doctor?”

-“I’m not tired.”   
She gave him an annoyed look, as to a petulant child.  
-“Fine, what do you want then?”

-“Answers”-he replied simply.-”And I want the truth”-he added raising his eyebrow significantly. 

-“Right then”- Clara said, straightening herself up, discarding the cloth over her head casually, and placing her hands on her knees. -”Ask away.”

-“What- happened?”

-“I rescued you…I thought that was pretty obvious”- she added with a smirk.

-“Ok, ok”- Clara said quickly as she noticed a frown forming on his face.-“When you …”-she started with a sigh-“ fell unconscious,”- she took a deep breath…”Well, Missy decided she was bored and turned her attention to me...”

-“She didn't…”- he said slowly, anger starting to creep out again at the mere thought.

-“No, nothing like-that… “[She could not tell him everything, not now, not ever…]. Her eyes were wandering from his face to her knees. It was so hard lying to his eyes, so hard.  
-“She got bored and left with one of the guard to get more of that green stuff…”- she continued. “It was just us left, one guard, so I took the chance.”-she was talking more confident now, truth was easy. –“Remember those sleep patches?”

-“They are not sleep-pa…”- Doctor began, but Clara interrupted him.

-“Yeah, I know. They induce a dream state. Well, I had one in my pocket so I used it on the guard while he was looking away. It was rather easy really. I managed to convince him that you were willing to tell his boss everything, if he took us to her office. He helped carry you outside, and when we were near the TARDIS, I…”- she stopped suddenly.

-“You didn't kill him, did you?”- his eyes were in shock.

-“No!”- she laughed,-“No, I just knocked him out a bit.”- she said biting her lip. -“There was this metal rod, and…Look it was necessary!”- Clara added with a pout. -“Anyhow, once I got you inside the TARDIS, I used the telepathic thingy to fly us to my place.”

-“And the guard?”-Doctor raised his eyebrow again.

-“He’s sleeping in the bush, bless him.”-Clara finished with a grin. “Pretty neat, wouldn't you agree?”

“Almost unbelievable.”

“Well, I thought you were used to me saving you by now.”

“Don’t.”

“Sorry...”   
They shared a couple of significant glances. Neither of them wanting to push on.

-“What did you give me?”- Doctor asked after another pause, reaching for the red dot on his neck with his middle finger.

-“No-idea.”

-“What?!”

-“Oi, don’t look at me like that! I had to do something, you were in awful state. TARDIS scanned you and showed me what to do, so blame her!”- Clara was almost angry now.

-“I didn't say that I blame you, or her.”- Doctor responded weakly, rubbing his sore eyes. 

-“Well, anyway…It’s all over now. Let’s just not talk about it again.”- Clara shifted, curling against the Doctor’s body, placing her head on his chest. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She closed her eyes as he started stroking her hair.

-“Agreed.”  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-“Doctor?”- Clara asked a while latter, still clenching to Doctor’s chest.-“What did Missy want?”

-“I thought we were not to discuss it again.”

-“I know,”- she said quickly-“but you can’t really expect me to just leave it, after all that have happened?”

-“There are things, Clara, that are best left alone.”- Doctor was still gently stroking her hair.

-“Don’t you trust me?”- Clara lifted her head suddenly, looking him straight in the eyes, confused…No…offended.

-“You’re doing the eyes thing again.”

-“You’re avoiding the answers again.”

-“Please don’t…”- he started, but tears were forming in her eyes. Damn-he though, -five-foot-one, and crying.

-“She wants the Moment.”-Doctor spitted out with a roll of his eyes.

-“The Moment?’- Clara’s confusion was all over her face. “You still have it?”

-“Well of course I have it, you silly crying woman. I could not just leave the most powerful weapon in all of creation lying in a barn, now could I?”- his voice was slightly annoyed now, Scottish accent bleeding through his tongue.   
Clara placed her head back to rest on his chest. He was right, naturally. He must have gone back for it at some point, and hid it somewhere.

-“So you have it on you?”

-“No, not on-me. With me.”- Doctor said casually.

-“Where?”- Clara was dreading the answer, but even more the lack of it. She wanted the Doctor safe, and having this weapon meant a lot of evil was out to get him, take it from him, including Missy as it happens. And she just wasn't sure if he could deal with them all.

-“Somewhere-safe.”

-“But…”

-”Enough.”- Doctor’s voice was harsh now. –“We will not talk about it again, and you will do well to remember that.”- a drop in his voice made Clara realize he meant what he just said. She could make him do a lot of things, but even he had boundaries she dared not cross. She exhaled deeply, closing her eyes.

-“You were nicer to me before, you know, softer.”- she began.

-“I am the same man, Clara, just a bit rougher round the edges, that’s all.”- Doctor said moving his hand to her back, mapping her spine. Clara shivered a bit at this notion. She wanted to tell him how she preferred the rougher him, but decided not to give him the satisfaction. So she just let herself drift away, dazed by the dusty, star-y smell of him. Counting the beats of his hearts. One, two…Three, four.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He wanted to fly around, take her to all sorts of amazing places. He had so much to show her. But, Clara refused to budge. She decided they should stay put for the time being, not giving Missy a chance to find them again. So they were stuck, and he hated it. Grounded, he took out his frustration pacing rapidly around the TARDIS console, looking for something to do. His library was vast, but he read most of the books, not to brag, and he did not feel like reading anyway. He just needed a distraction. Clara was punishing him; he knew that, for not telling her where he was hiding the Moment. He will endure her little wrath, occasional scolding included. It was always risky confronting Missy, even more so now that he had more to lose. Missy was clever, and she knew how to use Clara to her advantage, to break him. So, he agreed to let it cool down for a while, settling his TARDIS in Clara’s flat. But that did not mean he could not whine and grumble in frustration from time to time.

-“But the diamond shores of Bright Zelthion…- “Doctor was desperate now.-“The way they flicker at dusk, and did I mention they have three Moons? So it’s just amazing…Oh Clara, please!?”

-“No.”- she said crossing her arms, leaning against the side console. Clara liked this power she had over the Doctor. How he obeyed her wishes, complaining in the process of course, but that all just added to the victory when he would finally succumb, and he would, always…  
He stopped right next to her suddenly, placing his hands across her sides, griping the console, trapping her. He leaned slightly. 

-“I need to be busy…”- the Doctor said. His voice almost threatening now. 

-“So you keep repeating…”- Clara answered, arms still crossed. She really did not find this petulant child version of him attractive; she had loads of that at school.

-“Then you better think of something we can do, before I...”

-“Before you-what?”

-“Before I,”- Doctor inhaled deeply,-“lose control completely…” Now that was the Doctor she liked. Dark, brutal, honest, strong, unpredictable…

-“And why would I want that?”-she was teasing him now. Clara reached for his shirt, playing with the buttons, eyeing him. “Last time I quite enjoyed you losing control.”

-“Last time I did NOT lose control, Clara…You really don’t want me losing it for real.”- his accent became prominent, as he made a small growl at her, showing his teeth, nostrils flaring.

-“We are not going anywhere,”- Clara said. “But,” she added quickly as his eyes flared up. He was losing it rapidly, griping at the console tighter,- “you’re free to do whatever you like here, in the TARDIS. You’re a clever man, you’ll think of something.”- she finished flicking his button playfully, but leaving it in place.

-“Clara, Clara, Clara…”- Doctor was eyeing her from head to toes,-“why do you have to be so…”- his voice vanished all of the sudden, as he sensed her increased breathing. He knows what she wants, of course he does. But his ego commands him to regain at least some of the control back from her. So he moves away in one swift motion, turning his back. He will not indulge her every whim. He’s walking away now, determined; leaving Clara in shock, confused and a tiny bit angry of the dissatisfaction he’s thrown upon her. Always with the games, the control bouncing between them, like electricity.

-“ I’m off to my room,”- he yells, back still turned. –“Alone”- he adds as she undoubtedly starts following him. Clara stops suddenly. Seriously? -she thinks, -did that really just happen?  
As he walks away, she catches him reaching into his pocket, pulling out a small, old-looking book. Then he vanishes into the corridor. What was that all about? And that book; that little bundle of paper that had more power than her, making the Doctor choose it, rather than her. She’s angry now- confused, an a slightly bit offended, but mostly determined to find out what that little book is. She has to.

Clara is sneaking through the TARDIS, making sure her footsteps don’t make a sound. She knows where the Doctor’s room is now, so finding it is not an issue. The issue is not revealing her plan. She needs to be unnoticed. She reaches the Doctor’s bedroom door. They are open- she thanks the lucky stars-there will be screeching sounds. Clara leans over the frame just enough to glance inside. No sign of the Doctor; his room locking as normal as the room of an unpredictable, 2000 year old alien could look like. She makes sure he’s not hiding in some corner, before she carefully enters. Nothing out of the ordinary; nothing to suggest he has been there recently; nothing except…Her eye catches a glimpse of a tiny book on the bed, just below the pillow. Her heart starts to pound. There is her chance…The Doctor probably just got distracted and stomped of to fix something that most likely needs no fixing. Perfect timing- she ponders as she races for the book, but a thought flies through her head. What if he gets angry? He did say he wants to be alone, and the book seems quite private. But the curiosity gets the better of her- “Just a tiny peak”- she says to herself, as she grabs it from the bed, opening it swiftly.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clara is so impossible sometimes- Doctor reaches a conclusion as he moves through the deep end of the pool, not bothering to come up for air for who knows how long. He tried to relax by drawing, but it only made him angrier as he could not think of anything else to draw but her. And then he remembered her shifting eyes when she said Missy did not touch her. She was obviously lying, he knew that much; and that sent him into a spiral of aggressive thoughts. Why would she lie? He honestly thought they were done with lies. Well not both of them. He would still have to bend the truth occasionally, for her-own good. But why does she need to lie to him? And wear that long-sleeved shirt, buttoned to the very top. She was hiding something.   
Doctor was sitting on the bottom of the pool, legs crossed, arms resting on knees, contemplating on how he would get to the truth. Maybe-persuasion? Just a bit of friendly, heavy persuasion… Or trick her? A bubble went past him, rising lazily to the surface. But how would he do that? She is clever, cleverer than most humans. He needs to play to her weaknesses. And he knows just how to do that. He shifts slightly on the pool floor. How long has he been under- minutes, hours? He doesn't care. Water always made him loosen up. He closes his eyes, and lets the feel of gentle strokes of water around him embrace his body.   
A few minutes later, or a bit more he’s not quite sure, he’s on the surface; climbing over the edge to the cold piles of the pool. It’s a beautiful place to be. The blue water stretching to infinity (he knows- he checked when he tried to swim across one time). Black glistening walls around reflecting the stars from the artificial ceiling. All the galaxies he’s ever been to, reflecting on the water, projecting over the walls. Quite wonderful- he smiles as he brushes the excess water and throws a black robe over his back. He shuffles his hair casually, sending droplets all over the floor, leaving his ever so gray hair disheveled. He will make Clara talk, and he will set things right- Doctor makes a promise approaching his bedroom, bathrobe flying behind him. He stops a few steps before the door. Inhales…The smell, it tickles his nerve endings. It was unmistakably Clara’s, and it was strong. She was there, or she is…?


	8. The trap

Clara was sitting on his bed, flying mercilessly over the pages of that strange notebook. She could not help it, the urge was too strong. After all, it was the same urge that kept her travelling with that ridiculous man. Clara needed to see the wonders, and she saw them reaching out from every single page. Strange circular drawings, sketches; and quite a lot of them of her. As it turns out, Doctor was a bit of a softy, he just chose to pour his emotions onto a page, rather share them with anyone. Afraid of judgment? Or just tired of people telling him he’s weird. Either way, his hearts leaped from the lines of his drawings; soft strokes of shading, rough edges here and there. Clara let herself wander among those endless pages, wanting to feel what the Doctor felt. Wanting to share those emotions with him-if only for a brief moment. Clara lost herself in those magical lines, not noticing a tall figure appear in the corner. She brushed her finger over the page, mapping it when…

-“Please, don’t let me interrupt…” She jumped up from the bed, dropping the notebook swiftly onto the covers.

-“Doctor!”- She exclaimed; caught red handed, damn… “I was just looking for you and…”

-“And you decided to invade my privacy.” Clara opened her mouth in protest, when he added: “When I specifically told you, not-to.”- Doctor was moving towards his bedroom table now, not even looking at Clara.

-“No, I…I just-“she started, but he stopped her.

-“No more lies, Clara.”

-“Fine”- she said defeated. “I was curious. I could not help it.”- Clara pushed her hands into her jacket pocket, dropping her eyes to the ground. Doctor said nothing, his back turned. He just let the silence burn, and suspense punish her as he dressed in the darkness. When he finished, Doctor halted in front of Clara. 

-“Right then, as excuses go, that one was a shamble…Really did expect more from you, Clara.”- Doctor’s words were causing more pain in Clara’s heart she ever imagined was possible. The disappointment, the betrayal, happening all over again. And all because of her stupid curiosity. Will she ever learn? Why can’t she control herself? Doctor continued as if not noticing the reddening of her eyes, tears evidently forming:

\- “So… -Rules.”  
Clara just stood there, watching the Doctor carefully.

-“From now on, there will be rules:- his deep voice made her tremble inside.

-“ Rule One: You will do as you are told, and you will not ask questions.” He eyed her, but Clara remained silent. 

-“Rule Two”- he continued approaching her slowly, hands in his pockets-“breaking rule one will invoke consequences.” Doctor came to a standstill, inches from Clara. She was looking at the floor again, breathing heavily. 

-“Rule Three:“ his voice was deep, barely a whisper now- “ you shall not pry on my privacy, ” Scottish R rolled in the air between them- “ or rule Two will be invoked.” His anger was subsiding, as he watched Clara take her punishment. 

-“And finally, rule Four:” – he reached for her chin, gently lifting it so he can gaze into her eyes, - “no doing the eyes thing…” Clara’s eyes were swollen red, tears threatening to fly down. 

-“Clara…”- he said more softly now-“You’re breaking rule Four as we speak.” She reached and brushed away a tear that escaped her, and then pocketed her hands once more.

-“Fine, fine.”- Clara started regaining composure when she realized the Doctor’s anger was fading. “So there are rules? And what if I don’t accept them?”  
Doctor retrieved his hand from her.  
-“My TARDIS- my rules.” He said slowly.

-“Fine…”- Clara’s mind was racing now, “And what about my rules?”

“Your- rules?”- Doctor raised an eyebrow in response.

-“Yes I have rules too… I know you care for me Doctor, but I need to know you respect me as well. So, if you want me to travel with you, there will be rules from my side too.”  
Doctor was piercing her with his stare, not quite sure how to react. He was used to Clara’s unpredictable nature, but even he was surprised about these developments. The Doctor was getting a bitter taste of his own medicine, and he did not like it. But he felt it was probably deserved, so he kept silent.

-“Rule One:”- she said, “You will not lie to me.”- she eyed him significantly. 

-“Rule Two: if you break rule one; I will detach something from you.” Doctor just tilted his head in response. 

“Now I may only have two rules, but I do have an additional request.”- Clara locked eyes on his, demanding his undivided attention: “If you have some kind of a problem, emotional or any other, you will try, and I do emphasize TRY, to communicate about it. So that I could help…Can you at least try and do that for me?” Clara’s face was soft, pleading. Doctor opened his mouth to argue, but closed them immediately. He reached for her hand, taking her palm in his. It was ridiculous how much bigger his hand was. He enclosed her trembling hand in his.

-“Yes”- he finally said, - “I will try.” 

 

It has been weeks since the Doctor “lost control” with Clara, and she was beginning to think that it took a near death experience on her side for him to get that comfortable again. That was defeating, she realized. Clara knew this version of the Doctor was not a touchy-feel y-hugging sort of a man, but she did need more from him. Occasional hungry glances, and hand touches just weren't cutting it any longer. She needed to feel his hearts again, pounding against her cheek. His breath on her skin, the shivers they elicited. But the Doctor was stubborn. And the latest confrontation with Missy certainly did not help. He felt more anxious, on the edge somehow. Like he thought, the two of them growing closer meant new levels of danger for Clara. Maybe he was right; maybe she was in danger, but she did not care. Clara unconsciously rubbed her shoulder, remembering that day. It was still painful, the mark on her skin still prominent from the device Missy used. But it was fading now, and soon there will be no trace of it, and no need of hiding.  
Life had to go on. Clara still had her job; kids to teach, colleagues to avoid. They all pitied her for losing Danny, and it only made her feel worse. Clara could not admit to them that she was already over Danny, cruel as it may sound. And the Doctor had a major role in lifting the pain, helping her end the grief. But now, he was back to being the impossible man; running around, looking for distractions, while discarding the clear distraction he had in front of him. Clara took a deep breath, looking through the window. The classroom was unusually quiet, with only the assigned child reading aloud the text of her choosing. None dared cross their teacher today, and that was boring. The colleagues were all sort of avoiding her when they could, and sending her sad, concerning glances when they couldn't do the previous. Clara just wished they would let her get on with her job, with her life. She could barely wait until the last bell of the day, to rush home to him. Her console, her comfort, her life.  
Doctor was no longer under curfew, but nevertheless he refused to go anywhere without her; which was sweet in a way, and concerning on the other. Clara pondered on that, while she walked toward her home later that evening.  
She entered her apartment with caution. Doctor was jumpy these days; he would just appear out of nowhere, spilling his plans: planets he wants her to see, if she would only agree. The sad expression on his face when she would refuse, time and time again. If he only knew the reason. But she could not tell him. How could she admit that what Missy did to her left scars. Not only physical, but emotional as well. She just needed more time to heal, before running towards adventures again, with no worries on her mind. And he did suspect. Doctor already asked her a couple of times, but she always made a great excuse. He was suspicious; bet let it slide each time.  
She took of her jacket, and let it hang next to the front door. There was no sign of the Doctor so far. Clara rubbed her shoulder again, inhaling deeply as she entered the living room. It was rather dark in there; only casting light was coming from a single candle on the coffee table. Two tall glasses, and a bottle of something beside it. Television was on some nature channel, she could not tell which one. Clara approached slowly to inspect the bottle. She did not recognize the vine, if it was vine at all, and she once again looked around for the Doctor. What was he up to? A noise startled her, and she nearly dropped the bottle, but a steady hand held on to it.

-“Now that would have been a waste, I assure you.” – Deep voice behind her approached. 

-“It would have been your fault.” –She just said turning around, -“You can’t just sneak onto people like that you know… It’s like you make no noise when you walk, or do you hover?” Clara was teasing him now.

-“In that case, I will make more noise next time.” Doctor replied going past her, brushing slightly on her hips, and landing on the sofa. Clara just observed him; again, what was he up to?  
Doctor was pouring the unidentified liquid into the glasses, and without lifting his head, motioned to the empty seat next to him.

-“Will you stand there all evening, or will you care to join me?” Clara bit her lip, and then frowned suspiciously, before settling herself on the spot appointed. 

-“So…”she began, -“What is this all about?”

-“What is what all about?”

-“This”- she said-“the bottle, the mood lighting?” She added with a smile.

-“I just thought you would be tired from dealing with petulant children all day, and would want a quiet night in…” He handed her a glass, locking eyes in the process. 

-“Be that as it may,”- Clara was cautious-“this is not very like you; this domestic, peaceful, sitting down, quiet kind of a thing…”

-“Maybe I've changed.” He replied taking a big gulp of the drink, swallowing loudly.  
Clara lifted her glass towards the lips, smelling the sparkling liquid. It most certainly had a very interesting smell-she thought. She could not recognize it; it was a mix of a few familiar flavors, but also there were a few she could not even imagine to describe. So she took a big sip; acknowledging it was an alien drink, and that she was totally fine with that. What the hell-she thought. She had a terrible and most boring day, and a glass of whatever slightly alcoholic was very welcome. Who knows, maybe she’ll manage to find out was Doctor was up to, being all that mysterious. When he relaxes from a few drinks, that is. 

-“So how was your day?” Doctor asked casually, leaning into the sofa. He looked relaxed, with occasional twitch from his ever so nervous legs; shifting them, locking knees, then spreading them. There really was not enough room for him between the sofa and the table and it all looked rather amusing. The rest of his body, as if from a different being, was calm, controlled. But he was always like that, so no change there- Clara thought.

-“Are you trying small talk again?”- She was grinning at him now.

-“Practice makes perfect.” He responded shifting nervously, and extending his arm over her shoulder, looking at the television. It took a few seconds until he finally let his hand drop over her, but he did manage it. Improvement, Clara considered. 

-“Wish you would practice some other things as well.” She said under breath.

-“What?”

-“What? I said- what did you do all day?”- Clara said quickly.

-“Oh you know, this and that.” Doctor emptied his glass, and then poured another one. God, he was going through that drink quickly. There was something going on…  
Clara fixed her eyes on the television, as if somehow deeply interested in the mating cycle of a dung-beetle. His hand was still on her shoulder, the one she’s been nurturing for the past few days. She took another sip, when he grazed it with a bit more pressure, and she flinched.  
He turned immediately to her- “What was that, did I hurt you?”

-“No, no, it’s just I have a small bruise there.”

-“From what? - He asked suspiciously.

“I don’t know must have bumped into something in the flat…” Clara felt the situation getting out of hand, rapidly, and decided she should probably do something about it. Change the subject Clara-quickly! - Her brain yelled, but she could not think of anything. And then, out of nowhere, his lips were on her neck, placing soft kisses, making her shiver. Clara closed her eyes, but it only made it worse; and the drink was making her comfortably dizzy, so she just leaned into his touch. It was what she wanted, after all. Before long, she was on her back on the sofa, Doctor over her, unbuttoning her shirt. He was now kissing her roughly on the mouth, sucking deeply, making her moan in return. His one hand slid open her shirt, while the other tangled into her hair, holding her head with a bit more power than necessary. She was spiraling uncontrollably under him, his thighs brushing against her stomach, rubbing, teasing. 

-“I knew it!”- He yelled suddenly, breaking the kiss. Clara opened her eyes in shock. His face was furious. 

-“What are you on about?”- But then she realized. He was looking at her shoulder…So that was his plan.

-“A bit more than a small bruise, wouldn't you say?” his voice was calm, but she could feel the fury he was containing inside. 

-“It’s nothing, really.”- She began, but he stopped her with a look.

-“Don’t you dare.”- His breathing was shallow now, through teeth: “Did she do this to you?”  
Clara did not respond, but she did not need to. Her eyes said everything. Doctor’s eyes closed, his head dropping low. Hands began trembling with anger- he was losing it. 

-“Doctor-stop it! Just, calm down, please!”- Clara almost yelled at him-‘See, this is why I did not tell you…” she was properly scared now. Doctor was not himself. Even though she knew he would never intentionally harm her, Clara could not be sure of what he might do in this state. He must have picked up on the scared tone in her voice, as he suddenly opened his eyes, and shifted his hands from her to the sofa, but still towering over.

-“You should have told me,”- he was breathing almost normally now-“I could've helped.”

-“You had your own worries at the time. But you can still help…”Clara gave him a significant look. Doctor eyed her carefully. He knew what she meant; he knew how he could lift her pain, and this time he really did not have any objections to it.

No more words were said, for words had no meaning.  
For what was the power of words against the might  
Of their love’s yearning.  
And the hunger was deep, aching and scaring.  
A fewer burning bright,  
Never flickering nor dying.  
It was eternal love that would cross all,  
And bring them together once more.

A passion stirred once, might rise again at break of day,  
And so will they embrace it, and then.  
Let the hunger thrive, let the passion soar.  
For need is grave, and Great man shall fall.

Take it now, don’t look behind.  
Second chances are rare, so Do mind.  
Take it all, hold nothing back. And take revenge,  
Against the pain, against the rage that ache your hearts.  
For Love is a blessing, Love is a cure.  
Only then. Yes, only then,  
Shall you be free once more.

Rage, lust, passion and fury all bound,  
Which in that storm sought and found,  
The answer to that fearful tale  
What happens when a Great man should fail.

For no Mercy, no Pity, nor Sorrow,  
Rescue one’s pained Heart might,  
Than the Love, sweet and divine,  
That rage and storm through the night. 

 

 

He took her that night. Right there and then; with anger and passion of a raging storm. Concentrating his passion on her, and his rage onto the innocent sofa. He took her higher that night she ever imagined was possible. He held nothing back. She would thank him later, as morning light revealed the extent of his fury. The sofa was ripped at parts, bits missing. All that rage. He took revenge, and it felt good. And the sofa? Well, it was due a bit of decorating anyway…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I tried something new this time. I just thought I should try describe the scene with a poem. Hope I did not cross some boundaries. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Comments are very welcome, also prompt on how you would like the story to proceed.


	9. With the sound of the color twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, first of all I want to apologize for the delay. Had some hard personal times, and couldn't write to be honest. Also, that kinda reflected the darkness of the story, so sorry in advance. But anyway, here's ch9; the story continues and the plot thickens. Hope you enjoy :)

-“For the last time…you can’t just park the TARDIS in my bedroom!”-Clara yelled kicking open the blue doors and storming inside.  
-“Why not?”- The Doctor answers from the console, un-perplexed by the whole bursting in scene. He knew far too well that Clara was prone to these little outbursts of anger, her control freak reaching out to the surface. He knew fighting her was useless. All he could do was give her snappy comments, and hope for the best.

-“Because it’s…well it’s just rude to start with.”- Clara’s hands were flying around, trying to explain the level of her fury to the stubborn Time Lord. 

-“You’ve never complained before.”- Doctor was now looking at her, genuinely confused.

-“Yes I have! I tell you every time! It’s like you have a selective memory...Or, you’re just doing it on purpose.”- she frowned at this realization.

-“I’ve probably tried retaining it; but since I can’t remember it, I obviously did not…Sorry.”- Doctor explained raising his arms.

-“Oh, forget it.”- Clara exhaled; her failure now evident.

-“I will, probably.”- Doctor agreed with her with a smirk. The TARDIS made a few mocking sounds as Clara approached the Doctor. –“Oh, shut up.”- she snorted at the console. Clara was almost beside him now, when her eye caught a glimpse of something moving in the furthest part of the corridor to her left. She froze for a moment, mouth opening slightly. Not knowing what to think, she closed them into a frown, and then calmly began:

-“Doctor?”

-“Yes?”- he said not even lifting his head.

\- “Is there anyone else in the TARDIS except us?” Doctor paused for a brief moment, as if recollecting. The moment continued, as his eyes went up and to the right. –“No, not to my knowledge.”- he finally answered, returning his attention to whatever he was busy with, before Clara’s weird question interrupted him. Seriously…Humans, and their silly questions. Clara was still not convinced, but not wanting to pursue, she just said:

-“I’m off for a swim, care to join?”-

-“No I need to finish something here, you go ahead.”-

-“Suit yourself”- said Clara leaving the busy Time Lord playing with his TARDIS. Boys and their toys, Clara thought as she was grabbing a swimsuit from her room. Sometimes she wishes she could know what goes on in that head of his. That strange alien she grew to love so much, could not live without even. But then, even if she could know, what would be the point? The Doctor is mysterious, alien, and that’s the way she likes him. Knowing him fully would drain the magic of their silly interactions. No, it’s better this way, she decided. But every now and then, she could get a glimpse into his mind and soul; just a tiny peak, and her heart would be filled for ages to come. His soul; the most perfect place in the universe.  
Clara reaches the swimming pool, lingering for a second or two to take in the sight. It was truly amazing, that never-ending sparkling horizon. She dives head in first, with a little splash from her tiny legs, and remains under water for a few strokes. The water, unlike the rest of the TARDIS that was always a few degrees below the perfect temperature, had a very pleasant warmish feel to it. Clara turned on her back on the surface, and balanced her weight on the water. The ceiling was the best part-she though. The stars and galaxies, that were changing constantly, swirling before her eyes. Maybe she can ask the Doctor to take her to some of those magical places; she did miss seeing new planets. Maybe they could go somewhere, just for a bit. Somewhere safe, somewhere Missy would not follow? A smile dawned on her face as her mind started imagining all those places she wanted to see. One day, soon.  
But then, Clara catches a shape in the corner of her eye that sends her from the relaxed state she was in, into an outright frozen one. She turns her head, body twitching with sudden fear. No, not fear; dread. Nothing there. Was she imagining? Clara turns around but finds the pool empty as far as her eyes could see. She is imagining for sure, she must have. After all, she did go through some trying times. She could not expect to remain completely scar free and normal so to speak. She was damaged. She has been broken time and time again. Died, lived than died again. Nothing can surprise her now, or at least that’s what she though.  
Reaching the side of the pool, she listens. Just the sound of the unsettled water she created and a feeble ticking in the distance. Was there a clock in the pool? Stop-imagining! - she almost yells at herself, as she realizes seconds later that there in nothing around but silence. Well, strange silhouette and ticking aside, the swimming was very nice, relaxing- Clara decides, as she exits the pool and starts for her bedroom. But she never reaches it.  
What was that thing-a ghost? There was something strangely familiar about the whole thing, she just couldn’t place it. Clara shakes the thought, whipping her hair in the towel. It’s probably nothing- she decides. Moments later she is walking through the long corridors in search of the strange apparition. How did that happen? Damn her curiosity, she whispers as she reaches the Doctor’s room. She could’ve sworn she saw a glimpse of the ghost entering there.  
A noise on her left. Those big, heavy, wooden, beautifully carved doors. That thick wood that smelled of adventure and held darkness within. As if calling her somehow, saying:-“ Go on…”  
-“Right”- she mouths, and reaches for the drawer. She was sure she saw it inside, a big, great-“Ah there it is!”-Clara smiles, holding in her hand an old looking oil lamp- “Perfect.”-  
She opens the wooden door. Creaking; then silence. Her pulse jumps up, making her hold her breath. Light from the lamp only illuminating her face, and maybe a foot from it. She enters slowly, breathing quite loudly. She was really rubbish at this whole ghost hunting thing, she realizes. She moves about, but finds nothing odd. Piano, some chairs, a beautiful ancient clock that seems to be broken; but then again, the ticking, and winding, and something else- “Ouch!” she exhales, instinctively looking down to see what she just stumped her foot into. A box? She moves the lamp closer. A wooden box, with circles and, wait…”I know this…” She puts a hand on it, and the ticking intensifies.  
-“What are you doing?!”- A voice growling at her from behind. Hand gripping her arm tightly and pulling violently. She nearly drops the lamp.  
Doctor is dragging her away from the box now. He pushes her out of the dark room, closing the door behind him. Then he yanks her against it, pinning her. Still holding her arm, he’s towering over her, eyes glaring with anger, hand gripping tighter and tighter.  
-“Doctor, please…You’re hurting me.”- Clara manages to whisper. The Doctor’s hand trembles, then releases hers.  
-“Get out, NOW!” he yells through teeth. And with that, Clara jumps out of his reach, running.  
Doctor lets her go, still unable to calm down. Breathing heavily, he puts his hands on the wooden door. Should’ve locked it, stupid-Doctor! He almost yells at himself. A fist flies through the air connecting with the thick door frame. A cloister bell echoes. Tiny drops of blood start forming on his shaking knuckle. He inhales deeply, taking the pain in, and lowers his hand. A single shinning drop of blood falls down, splashing on the floor. Then, he’s moving again.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************** 

Doctor reaches Clara’s bedroom within seconds, and enters without knocking. He sees Clara, between her wardrobe and bed, packing. Tears falling down her face silently.

-“Clara?”- he asks softly.-“What are you doing?” Clara stops dead. She is still scared, he realizes. 

-“I’m leaving, as you said”. Her hand trembles as she moves behind the bed to make some room between them. –“You told me, remember?”- her voice crashes completely. 

-“I told you to get out of my room, not leave-leave.” The Doctor is still standing near the doorway, his body slightly angled, right arm obscured form view. His voice is calm now, soft. An awkward silence fills the void between them. Neither one seems to want to proceed, dares not- out of fear of making the wrong move. There is too much at stake.

-“I need you safe, Clara, can’t you see that?” –the Doctor starts, finding his courage somehow; but his voice sounds defeated. He has lost so many things in his lives; he cannot lose her as well.

-“Well safe is not how I feel right now.”- Clara retorts still not looking at the Time Lord.

-“I’m sorry, I …I lost control, it’s just…”- he pauses- “I wanted to protect you, and I thought if you did not know where the wretched thing was hidden, Missy could not harm you.”

-“And how did that turn out for you?” Clara says, finally raising her head and properly looking at the Doctor. God, he was a mess; just like her. 

-“Please, Clara…”- he starts but she interrupts him: “What happened to your hand?”

-“Erm- nothing?”- he answers hopefully, and tries to hide his hand behind his back, failing of course.

-“Try again.”-

-“Ammm…might have broken it, a bit.”- he says biting his lower lip.

-“What? How?”-

-“I slipped.”-

-“No.”- she gives him a look.

-“Could have been the door I punched.”-

-“You think?” Clara approaches carefully. –“And, it’s broken?”

-“Could be…Yes, a bit.”- he is looking into her eyes now, as if seeking forgiveness.

-“Does it hurt?”- Clara reaches with her hand.

-“It’ll heal. Couple of days at most.”- Doctor responds moving it away.

-‘Don’t be an idiot.”-

-“Already am.”- he says, lowering his head.  
Clara reaches again, this time Doctor does not flinch. -“Let me see”- Clara takes his battered, swollen hand in hers, gently.  
-” Did I not ask you to tell me your feelings so that we can try and sort them out, together?”-

-“Did I not say rule Three was you will not pry on my privacy?”-

-“Human-curiosity.”- Clara responds.

-“Time Lord-Fury.”- Doctor says slowly. –“But I would never harm you. Please Clara, tell me you know that?”- Doctor was closing the distance now, searching desperately her eyes for answers. She could not think that he would, could she? That would destroy him. He knew he was different now, more edgy, sometimes a bit cruel, and he was not proud of that. But he always knew he could control himself around her. The first face his face saw. She was everything for him. The Sun, the stars, the never ending flames, the light at the end of the tunnel. 

-“Always.”- Clara mouths through a weak smile, landing a soft kiss on his cheek.

Love is never pure, nor aging  
Lust will take its toll  
The hurt, the pain, and raging  
They all have their role.

Wrong decisions, easy choices  
Each wrong step we make  
Every strong word, angry voices  
Our love will bare and take.

There is no perfect place or time  
There is no perfect way  
There is no perfect song or chime  
Nor there’s a perfect day.

But love will make the place shine bright  
And roads to walk free on  
While music ends the cruelest night  
To start a bright new dawn.

A.U.


	10. Introduction to death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unraveling beggins

Clara is running through a field; not utterly sure if something is pursuing her or she just felt like running. There was that mix of emotions again; exhilaration and dread. A potent mix; but quite standard for Clara, or every Doctor’s companion for that matter. The field she’s running through is vast, and bare. No trees; just beautiful greenish-red grass. And she’s running; as fast and as far as her tiny legs would carry her. No heels today, Doctor was adamant. They are highly impractical- he insists- and pointless. Well, they do have a point- he quickly corrects himself- but that’s beside the point and then he scoffs at Clara’s smiling face. Stop that- he commands. So she wears a bit more sensible shoes today, and feels rather grateful for it. Running would have been a great deal more demanding with them; but then again, it makes reaching for the Doctor very difficult without them; almost impossible. Always something, isn’t there? Where is he anyway? How come he’s not running beside her, with his silly penguin run? Oh yes! The plan- she remembers. The plan is to distract them (whoever they might be), so he can do a thing; and then meet up at the TARDIS. Right- that makes sense. It’s a brilliant plan, too- foolproof. Nothing can go wrong- she’s sure.

So she’s back to running again. She keeps eyeing the blue box of wonder in the distance. She’s nearly there, and the Doctor is probably waiting inside. Just a bit more- legs, you can be tired later. She nears the TARDIS when a golden-yellow light starts emanating from it.

-“No, that can’t be...”- she stops in disbelief. –“NO!”- She opens the door.

-“Don’t you dare do that to me again...”she manages through a choke- but it’s too late; the Doctor is regenerating. Tears start pouring down her face as she approaches her impossible man; spread out there, battered, on the floor of his fateful ship -The TARDIS; His constant companion, which is now once again letting out somber noises, already grieving her friend’s passing. His eyes filled with sorrow, now straining for that last look of his impossible girl. Struggling to hold on to the view those piercing blue eyes will cherish forever. The last time he can see her in this body. The first face that face saw and the last thing he thinks about. And it’s all over now. He closes his eyes and rewinds to their beginning. Her being unsure; frightened even. Then slowly trusting him, growing closer; then somewhere along the way both of them falling hopelessly for each other. No regrets; not now, not ever. He will always remember those times spent with her, travelling. All of them. The happy moments that inched them together. And the sad ones, that cut them deep and hard, leaving scars. Oh, he will cherish those scars, for they are a part of that ridiculous yet majestic relationship he now says goodbye to, and breaths the last moment of. 

-“Please, just hold on.”- she begs, and the Doctor opens his eyes-“My impossible girl, here we go again.”- he manages to say before his whole body bursts with regeneration energy.

-“NO!” -Clara screams out, gasping for air loudly. Few breaths and a whole lot of tears that betray her later, her vision clears, and she realizes where she is. In her bed, in the TARDIS. It’s a dream- she mouths, eyes wide open. Just a bad dream...  
****************************************************************************************************************************************  
-“You’re wrong you know.”- Clara hears a voice from the shadows of her room, and nearly falls of the bed. Stunned, she turns and gasps. Her dream still lingering in the corner of her mind, she dares not think if she is at all awake. How can anyone know if they are still dreaming-she remembers the Doctor saying. Dreams within dreams -she recalls, and shivers at the thought.

-“Who’s there?” No response. Then two yellow dots reveal themselves shining brightly on the same spot the voice came from seconds ago. 

-“It’ just me”- the voice declared, now allowing for the light to reveal her figure. Same raged clothes she wore the last time her services were summoned. The same blond curled hair, and the exact same judgmental stare that was now directed at Clara.

-“You did call for me.”-

-“What?”- Clara almost yells for the Doctor at this point, but something tells her not to. Not this time. “What are you talking about?”

-“Oh, come on. He always goes on about how clever you are...Figure it out.”-The blond girl responds with a roll of her eyes, clearly bored. Then, Clara’s eyes wide in shock, realization dawns on her.-“You are...”- she starts.

-“That’s me, hello.”- the girl says with a smile, but Clara stays unresponsive. Her disbelief too great to proceed with the conversation.

-“You’re wrong.” she says again, with a casual look at her clothes.

-“About what?”

-“The Doctor. You can’t keep him safe forever.”

-“I know,”-Clara answers, -“but how do you?”

-“I hear you; screaming inside that funny little head of yours. You can’t control him.” she finishes aligning her skirt, and dusting her shirt off. 

-“And he does have a conscience.”- she adds, casting a judging look on Clara.

-“And you felt I needed some myself, so you came to offer yours?”-Clara was losing her patience rapidly. The control freak growling at the judgment put upon it, fighting back. The girl just grins back at her. So Clara finally gets up from the bed, ready to confront her, when she hears the Doctor’s voice.

-“Clara?”- Another glance at the strange girl that was now holding a finger to her mouth, silencing Clara.

-“Clara?!”- the Time Lord storms in her room. –“What’s wrong? I heard a scream, are you alright?”- A look of genuine worry ridden across his face, but lingering at the doorway, not daring to come further.

-“It’s nothing; I just had a bad dream.”- Clara responds, turning her attention to the unnerved Doctor. “I’m fine.”- she says coldly.

-“Right, I see.” he says sadly. –“you’re still angry...”

-“I’m not, it’s just...I need some time, that’s all.” She tries to soften the blow. He lets out a sad smile. Time- he almost whispers. He never found time soothing. Left alone with himself, and given time, his mind would play cruel games on him. Too much time; too much thinking. Too much pain. That’s why he never stops, never looks back- out of fear. The fear of pain, and regret. So he goes on, he keeps moving.

-“I understand.”- he lies. And with that Clara is left alone with her thoughts. With the blond girl gone, she returns to bed, hoping for some lighter dreams this time.  
**********************************************************************************************************************************

-“The Maze!”- Doctor announces. –“Doesn’t need a name, just a great big the. Resembles a bit the famous gardens of Versailles, but slightly more bigger. Well, 100 times more bigger. So...What do you think?” he looks at Clara.

-“It’s amazing.” She responds, not resisting the pun, and completely dazed by the beauty of the labyrinth they found themselves in the center of. And in the middle of it all, the stone statue proudly representing the starting point for the 12 possible paths of entrance. The height of the walls was astonishing, and from Clara’s point of view, even daunting. 

-“A day out, as promised. Fresh air and all.”-Doctor adds spreading his arms widely. She just smiles looking around. The view was breathtaking. The sheer size of the whole thing. People of all races, mind you mostly alien, scattering past them, laughing, enjoying the thrill of the experience. 

-“Wait, what if we get lost? This thing is enormous.”- Clara suddenly realized.

-“We can’t.”-Doctor said taking out his ticket from the pocket of his jacket. “If we’ve had enough, or your silly human body gets tired or whatever, we can just press this red patch on the ticket, which sends a signal to the control tower, and automatically prints out a path to the closest way out. Easy. Tiny bit boring. But we won’t need it. I have amazing navigation skills.”- he finishes with a wide grin.

-“Fine. Whatever you say, mister -I can’t find my bedroom, the TARDIS moved it again-”.Clara laughs at him, taking his arm into hers. –“Shall we then?”-  
********************************

They spent the next two hours casually strolling around the maze, talking about anything and everything. The green around them, even though high and restricting, made them feel alone with one another, somehow private; secure even. Strange feelings to have in such circumstances and in a largest maze in the universe, but there you go. Perhaps that’s why so many people visited the place. To feel safe; alone and together at the same time. They just walked around, not really bothering to look for any one of those 12 exits, and why would they? When they felt so good, and relaxed, and together, and...

-‘Doctor?’- Clara broke their shared chain of thought. “Is it just me, or did it get darker in here?”- she looked around for a moment.-“Is it evening?”

-“It can’t be. This planet has a 36 hour daylight.”-he frowned a bit, looking at the sky. It was definitely getting dark, and it also seemed like some kind of fog was forming around them.

-“Maybe it’s going to rain?”- Clara suggested. Tiny molecules of the fog started tingling their exposed skin, making them shiver.

-“That’s interesting...”

-“I hardly think interesting is the word you are looking for.”-Clara corrects him, but he dismisses her. 

-“Why can’t we just have a quiet day out, like normal people?”- she sighs, bit annoyed of their prospects. 

-“It’s just a fog, Clara. Nothing happens when a bit of fog starts forming.” 

-“You had to, didn’t you. You just had to say it...” She rolls her eyes, clearly angry now, and half expecting for something to jump out of the nearest hedge and attack them.

-“Just relax”-Doctor says-“I’ll see where we are on the map, and we’ll be out in no time.” He took her hand and led them to the nearest exit his ticket was illuminating. Their movement slowed by the vision impairment the fog brought upon, let tiny bits of tingling fear creep into their hearts. They could hear people rushing into the distance; their enjoyment abruptly ceased by the looming fog and darkness. A scream stopped Doctor and Clara in their tracks. Eyes wide in shock, they listened for a moment, but nothing followed; just a noise of the fog getting denser around them. Urgency acquired, they started moving again. After a couple of minutes, they reached the place their ticket was marking as a way out, but were greeted with a colossal green wall.

-“Now what?”-Clara said under breath, clutching the Doctor’s hand, as if all of the sudden petrified of losing him. But before he could answer, Doctor’s eyes fell to the ground, and landed upon a black wooden box. He reached for the strange object, opening it, and taking out of it a scroll of parchment. One quick glance at Clara, who was now beyond speechless, he returned his attention upon the paper, unrolled it and started reading.

 

*A ton in weight*  
*but no length or height* 

 

And as he spoke the last word, a clock began ticking inside the box. He grabbed it:

-“60 seconds!”- he yelled-“It’s counting down from 60 seconds...”- he said again, and returned his eyes on the strange note.

-“Oh it’s a riddle!”-he yelled

38 seconds

-“Probably meant to solve it to get out of the maze, Clara.”

-“Clara?”

-“CLARA!?!”- he looked around but there was no sign of her. He dropped the parchment on the ground, now seeking frantically through the dense fog.

13 seconds- the clock ticking away was the only thing that could be heard at the moment. Terrifying, ominous, ticking sound. “A ton in weight”-he tried to concentrate, but to no avail. -“I need more time!”- he almost yelled at the ticking menace, but it was too late. The clock reached zero, and everything stared spinning...


	11. Do not go gentle into that good night

The blood it courses through my veins  
The hearts, they pound so loud,  
For I shall never end my days,  
In this hell and torture bound.  
A.U.

Pounding in his head. Endless pounding. And the spinning. Why is everything spinning? A sharp smell tingles his nostrils and he opens his eyes suddenly. Blurry vision...It takes him a few seconds to adjust to it. The spinning is subsiding now, so he dares to move his head. 

 

He is lying in the dirt, breathing heavily. With each breath he takes in a big gulp of the fog, and it burns his lungs. Clara?-he yells into the air, but there’s no answer. He jumps to his feet and immediately regrets that decision. He wobbles a bit, before regaining balance somewhat. What is happening? He sees a statue behind him. He’s been resting his head on it. Not a weeping angel then, he realizes. Another move and his neck crack with a sigh of relief. His memory is in shambles, but he can remember bits and pieces. Regrettably, not enough to piece together what has happened. And where is Clara? He was sure he came with her. 

 

A flesh of light bolts through his head. There was a fog, and then a riddle, and a clock, and then nothing. What did the riddle say? He brushes his eyes fiercely, but noting comes to him. Right- first things first. Need to find Clara...

 

He starts moving; not really caring in which direction. It’s a maze; it really doesn’t matter where he starts, as long as it takes him to Clara.  
Another flash of light and the riddle comes back; but it only confuses him more. One thing at the time- he decides. Everything seems to be quiet around him, yet he could have sworn there were people around when they came in. His legs are working optimally now, so he tries running. He just needs to know she’s safe.  
The endless maze appears even darker and towering now, like there’s no end to its height. And the thick fog falls heavier on him now, as if growing somehow. He reaches another dead-end and almost curses under breath. Another box- he realizes; and no Clara. He reaches hesitantly for the parchment, and slowly unrolls it.

 

*Mark the time  
Don’t lose the rime  
For what you’ve lost  
You’ll miss the most*  
50 seconds- Ticking ensues, and it feels like needles in his brain. 10 seconds less that before, but he has no time to ponder on why. What have I lost? - he starts.

 

33 seconds

 

I lost Clara, but I doubt that is the answer to the riddle- he scoffs. He clutches on the paper violently till it starts crumbling to pieces in his hand. All alone, again. His mind offers a wave of aggression to spring him to action. He refuses it. But he will take the pressure- it makes him work faster.

 

11 seconds

 

Although, clearly not fast enough- he realizes. But he will not give up. He promises; mainly to himself, and to his own tortured soul. He lowers himself on the ground, preparing for the spinning. Hoping it’s the worst that will happen this time round. He closes his eyes, as the clock reaches a halt. Take me- he whispers.  
********************************************************************************************************

He’s faster to recover this time. Still confused, but quicker to rise on his feet. Right, plan. Do I have one? Or at least a thing? (It’s like a plan, but with more greatness). A smile escapes him. Not wasting precious time, he reaches for the sonic, and steps into the unknown once more.

 

The Doctor is stumbling around. Blinded by the fog, and led only by the buzzing of his sonic. It pierces the air around him, whining away, breaking the deafening silence. The sound it makes next is high-pitched and cut. He looks down and sighs in relief. He has found Clara.

 

Doctor reaches for Clara, but she’s unresponsive. Unconscious. He wakes her up, but she’s dazed, confused. Can you walk? he asks, but she shakes her head. He scans her. She seems unhurt, so he lifts her gently in his arms. It reminds him of that day. How he held her just like this. Her helpless, feeble body in his arms. Not again...  
She’s awake now, but weak- so weak. He moves them. He intends to return to the start, to the statue. It seems like the safest place at the moment. But the maze has shifted again, and they reach another box. Another retched riddle.

 

*Time is short  
Your weakness grows  
So build your fort  
And fight the crows*

 

40 seconds. 

 

But he cares not. Whoever orchestrated this whole thing will be sorry once he gets his hand on them. He sits on the ground, and puts Clara in his lap. I’ll keep you safe- he whispers.

 

21 seconds

 

He runs the riddle through his head-“build the fort...”- It gives him an idea. He knows how to fight it now.

 

The fog starts swirling and shifting nearby. Tiny black shapes forming, flapping, and then turning towards them. Still curled on the ground, Doctor just watches them approach with his head bowed, revealing an intense, wild look. They are quite close now. With a flick of his hand, he sends a bluish light out of his sonic towards the black menace that disintegrates the gaseous birds with a scream. A terrifying scream that echoes a long way. He then returns his attention to Clara, who is now shifting slightly in his arms.  
Silence falls once again, embracing them softly. He has won this battle.

**********************************************************************************************************

 

They start moving again when Clara assures him she’s fine. She’s not, of course, but the feral look on his face makes her act as though she is. They are walking slowly through a very long patch of the maze. He is in front, his stride long and determined. She can barely keep up, but dares not speak of it. He has obviously had enough; his patience now replaced with an overwhelming anger. No more control; control was for fighting fair, and he is not fighting fair anymore. No more holding back; his enemy was not giving him the courtesy of showing his face, so he feels no need for mercy. He dares not turn around now. He won’t let Clara see him like this, he promised he won’t. But he can’t hold it any longer...

 

He stops suddenly in the middle of that infinite path, and takes a few breaths. I’m sorry- he says, not turning around. I was foolish- he chokes. She grabs his hand from behind. Not your fault- she tells him. But it cuts him deep, because he knows it is. They start moving again, his sonic ready. Another box, another riddle, another chance to escape. He looks at Clara. Ready? -He asks. As I ever will be- she assures him.

 

*Don’t lose the path  
Don’t walk alone  
Cling to that  
Which holds the throne*

 

30 seconds  
His mind races as the agonizing ticking starts. He pushes it away. Perhaps it’s not a new riddle. What if they’re all connected? What if they all have the same answer?

 

12 seconds

 

He thought they were random, but what if they are not?

 

6 seconds

 

He draws Clara in his embrace. Prepare yourself, he whispers in her ear, and she just grips him tighter. He’s not letting her go this time. I will get us out, he promises. He lands a soft kiss on her forehead, before they are both taken away once more into the darkness.


	12. The last page

His face grew dim and cold  
As his tortured soul foretold  
No rage, no fear, no heart  
And his soul ripped apart.

He tried but no avail  
He ran that retched trail  
But to his knees he fell  
His enemy fought well.

Only darkness fills him now  
As he takes the final vow  
To never let another guide  
His endless dreams, his tortured mind.

A.U.

 

*****************************************************************************************************

He never imagined it would come to this. Never imagined, but certainly dreaded, for it was the only logical conclusion after all. And it killed him inside. It tore him apart at the seams, and he could not move or think. After all he had lost. His home, his people, his friends...So many times he has been pushed to the ground; kicked into internal agony. And he always picked himself up. Always...Dusted his coat, straitened his bow-tie, fixed his jacket and moved on. There is always something worth living for, he once said. But today he doubted that very thought and it scared him. He could always look at the stars and see wonders. The universe that welcomed him with open arms. The universe that was forever growing and shrinking, and never remaining the same. So much to see. And his constant companion; his home- the TARDIS. And all those endless blue skies. Never give up; never give in-he reminded himself. But his will was failing him now. Leaving him hopeless, and at the mercy of his torturous feelings. So he just let them overpower him. Right there. Right then, when it mattered the most not to lose his strength. When the clock was ticking away at their very existence, nearing the inevitable conclusion to their sorry fate. The empty dark surrounding them, and the hollow night brushing over with malice, while the stars glimmer and fade in the distance. They shine to pale and weak in his eyes; flickering. Their image cold and their shine tarnished; stolen. He cannot see them properly. The fog is to thick and heavy. But he can sense them. Reaching out, pleading. They are fighting, so why won’t he? And the wind is picking up the pace now. Wheezing joyously around, and biting them as he passes. How very cruel of him. Yet- empowering. As if trying to push him out of the stale, broken existence he was trapped in.  
He was foolish. He was an idiot. Thinking it was just a game. Thinking he could win. He sees the truth now, and embraces it. His friend is gone. He lost her a long, long time ago. He just couldn’t admit it until now.  
****************************************************************************************************************** 

It started off as just another adventure. Running together. Solving puzzles and fighting monsters. Just like they always do. Not thinking about the outcome. About how it might change them.

 

The fifth riddle was as vague as her previous accomplices:

*So close, but so far  
So fast, yet no scar.*

But it was always going to leave a scar. He knew that now.  


Then came the retracting walls that closed around them; trapping them. They couldn’t breathe. And her scream that made his hearts shiver. He had to end it, and soon. They were clutching each other’s hands, when they stumbled upon the last one. Just floating in the air. The projection, and scrolling of those evil words.  
*The end is near  
The answer gone  
Fight your fear  
And lose none.*  


He knew the answer. But rather than yelling it into the void and hope for the best, he kept silent and waited for the architect to appear.  
And then she came out of the shadows, and his hearts stopped.  
-“Please don’t do this...”- he begged.  
-“You know what I want.”- she replied.  
-“It doesn’t have to end this way, please.”  
-“Oh, but it does. And you know what, Doctor. It’s all your fault. You and your silly little humans. Always saving them, always giving them your full attention. Did you ever stop to think how that would make me feel? We are the last of our kind, and still you chose them over me?! But you know what; this time I won’t let it touch me. This time I’m thinking what’s right for me. And you can come if you like. But if not, than my love, I’m afraid we both know how this story ends. Once again, It’s your choice...”- Missy spreading both her arms in the air, waiting for his reply.  


He wanted to tell her why he couldn’t. He wanted to show her how much it pained him to see his oldest friend stray so far. They were the last. And now, he was alone. Let me show you, he said reaching out. And for once, she did not argue. So he took her hand, and let her into his mind.  
-“Look, please just look. And feel what I feel.”- he said. –“You must see it, you must. Please, just don’t leave me alone...”- he begged, as he projected his thoughts into her mind.  


***************************************************************************************************************************

_They were running together. Two boys, careless and free. Joyful and content. Through the red fields of their home, and they knew no sorrow. But then came the untempered schism, and they grew apart. Doctor took one path, and the Master another. While one wanted to travel the universe, the other wanted to conquer it. And they became strangers. But they were still connected. They could still feel each other. And now, more than ever; their bond grew, screaming at them. The two remaining Time Lords that have lost their way. And the Doctor yearned for another chance. He prayed for her to come back, to understand and see his way. He let his feelings pass to her and she shivered. The pain, the guilt, and all that yearning. But she broke the contact, unwilling to yield. And he knew. He knew then, that she was truly lost to him. Her need for power too strong; and now he was standing in her way._

*************************************************************************************************************************

Clara knew the time has come. She had to do something. The Doctor; the man she loved was crumbling in front of her eyes. The pain of loss too great for him to bare. She always knew Missy was beyond help, but the Doctor was the optimist. Hoper of far flung hopes, and dreamer of improbable dreams. And those dreams were tumbling now around him, and he was falling. So she took the role once more, and jumped to aid her impossible man. With Missy overwhelmed with the sudden rush of emotions that flooded her from the bond, Clara grabbed the key from his jacket and the TARDIS materialized around them. One more second and they were in the vortex, flying away safe.  


With a soft humming of the faithful ship, Clara reached for the Doctor that had crumbled onto the floor, defeated. His face buried in his hands; quietly sobbing. So she kneeled beside him, her own tears betraying her. She embraced her hero and let his head drop onto her shoulders.  
-“You are not alone.”- she whispered softly, brushing his curly hair. His hand flew to hers, and held it in place. It was his way of saying- _thank you._  
***************************************************************************************************************** 

It has been three weeks since Clara last saw the Doctor. He just left her in the flat and told her he needed some time. She understood. She was worried for him, but knew deep down he would bury it all behind him, and soldier on. But she still worried.  


She often wondered how much pain he could take, even as brave as he was. She dreaded the thought of him giving up. Because, if he gives up, what then? Universe would lose the silly, mad hero it desperately needs, and she didn’t want to think of the consequences. Also, the image of herself losing him chilled her bones. But she dismissed those dark prospects and convinced herself that he will pull through. He always does. So she waited patiently for her Doctor to come back. To take her once more on a crazy adventure. With his silly smile and enthusiasm that warmed her heart. She just imagined him coming into her bedroom with a new crazy idea.  


The last thing she did before they parted was to make him promise he’ll get rid of the Moment. Even he had to agree it was too dangerous to keep around. So he promised, and she let him go.  
******************************************************************************************************** 

It was nearing midnight on a particularly boring Wednesday when she heard it. The whizzing and groaning sound she grew to love, and a smile rose on her face. She jumped out of the bed and rushed towards the noise. As per usual, Doctor parked the TARDIS in the most inconvenient spot in the apartment, so she had to squeeze through her bedroom door to reach it. She burst open the door and jumped inside.  
-“So, where to this time?”- she asked playfully, eyeing the Doctor that was still lingering at the console. He smiled.  
-“Aren’t you tired? It’s the middle of the night.”- he replied, returning his eyes on the console.  
-“What’s wrong?”- Clara bit her lip. Her initial excitement drained by the look on his face. He was far from well.  
-“Nothing”- he lied-” I just thought, maybe we could stay in tonight.”  
-“Sure.”- Clara approached carefully.  
-“What?”  
-“You look different.” He did not answer.  
-“Did you...?”  
-“It’s finished. Destroyed. I threw it in a supernova.” he said now facing Clara, and pocketing his hands. She wasn’t sure how long it has been for him since that day, but she could see he still needed time.  
-“How about a trip to the library? You still haven’t shown me all of it.”- she interrupted the pause.  
-“Why not.”  


They sat all night in the library. Curled in his lap, Clara let her head drop onto Doctor’s chest, and listened as he read out loud. She never felt safer than in that moment; in that place. What would you like- he asked. Read me some poems- she answered, and returned to listen his hearts beat. She fell asleep around the 5th poem, but he kept on reading. And while caressing her back with one hand, he let the other one drop the book to the floor, and recited the last few verses by heart:  
_O the cunning wiles that creep_  
_In thy little heart asleep!_  
_When thy little heart doth wake_  
_Then the dreadful night shall brake._  
(William Blake)

And then there was silence. Just the two cuddled, tired creatures; sleeping their worries away. The soft humming of the TARDIS that dimmed the lights, and somewhere in the distance, the recognizable sound of ticking. _Rule One._

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are at the last page.. (face slap) First of all, I'd like to thank all of you guys who stuck with me throughout this story. I had some hard times writing it, but you guys helped immensely. I hope you enjoyed as much as I did writing it. I am aware the writing style varied from one chapter to the next, and I do apologize for that. Also the poems ( -_-). I know not everyone likes them, but they are an integral part of my creating process, so thanks again for baring with me.  
> PS Hope you managed to solve it, but in case you didn't, the answer to the riddle is "Memory" :)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt of writing, well anything really, so forgive the somewhat frantic style, should get better with time...Also, English is not my native language. The story will continue soon, as Clara recovers slowly. All comments are welcome, so please share your thoughts. Hope you will enjoy reading it,as I did writing it. Although it has a terrifying start, the story will get more positive,promise.


End file.
